Black and Blended

Well, I’m convinced that miracles still happen. Last week my father visited me after being absent for 30 years and we had a wonderful time filled with acknowledgments, forgiveness, laughter & affection. I have so much to say that I can’t seem to formulate my post right now….but here goes.

My brother and father arrived and we greeted one another with a big hug and kiss - all the apprehensiveness I’d built up evaporated the moment he extended his arms to hug me. I sensed a certain amount of nervousness in him as I settled him into his room and took him on a tour of our home. As we walked from room to room that nervousness dissipated as he spontaneously hugged and kissed me on the cheek again - I was a little shocked at first but it sure did feel good - lol. From that point on we were inseparable and he held my hand 80% of the time he was in my presence…..it was the sweetest thing.

During his visit we spent time golfing, chatting, taking pictures, and simply holding hands. You can see the joy we shared in the pictures taken. I’d wake up in the mornings and tap on his door - he’d tell me to come in, gesture me to sit on the side of the bed and then extend his arms to hug me. I’d sit there as he held my hand and rubbed my arm and expressed his joy at being here - I believe in my heart that he was truly happy to see me and embrace me once again. As the days progressed we’d steal a few moments here and there and he would tell me over and over how much he loved me and even acknowledged he’d done little to show it all these years.

While we have a long way to go to repair our family, I think my father took some important steps in doing the following:

• He took total responsibility for his bad choices regarding his family including his failure to contact us
• He was willing to come here and face all of us, children, grandchildren, in-laws, out-laws, extended family, etc. not knowing how he would be received
• He was very humble and gracious with every one of us - even those that displayed anger and resentment
• As we were dining - he expressed to us that this experience was a miracle and it was also the best week of his entire life

My father is an old man that has discovered in the 4th quarter of his life that my oldest brother and I still have love for him in spite of himself - just because he is our father - apparently love never dies. He has also expressed his love for us and a willingness to become part of our family although he has some serious obstacles to overcome (his wife does not want him to have ANYTHING to do with me - that’s another post). What comes next is totally up to him. Will he embrace this last chance to finally mend with his own children and be a part of our lives or throw it away?

In the end, God was working thru this family with a power I’d never witnessed before, it was beautiful experience I’ll not soon forget. There are so many other things that happened that I’ll share here and there….I just wanted to get something out for those of you that have been so supportive of me in this journey. Thanks again.

What a wonderful day I had! My 19 year old called me up and offered to take me to lunch. When he arrived to pick me up I suggested we stop by the early voting office to cast our vote. Once we both casts our ballots for Obama I was so excited I stopped in front of the VOTE HERE sign and one of the passers by took our picture - my son was embarrassed…lol. I told him he’d appreciate that photo in about 15 years when he looked back and realized that he cast his first vote for a man that was making history, looked like him and more importantly is the best choice for this country during this election.

We arrived at the restaurant, ordered our food and had a heartfelt conversation. You see my 19 year old was an extremely rebellious and angry teen. I mean he had me at my wits end and I didn’t always respond correctly. Today I felt the need to tell him how much I love him and realize that I’ve not always made the best choices or reacted in the correct way when he was acting out and that I was sorry for that - no parent is perfect, but this parent loves you more than you know. He smiled and said, “You know mom, I was responsible for the drama and I owe you the apology. I’ve always loved you too - even when I was acting crazy”.

Hearing him take responsibility for his actions let me know that he is in fact growing up to be a man and that many of the lessons I’ve tried to instill in him have stuck.

I’m saying this to to say that while we may not always be perfect parents….we must always be loving & honest parents and be able to admit when we’ve goofed to our children. If they don’t see us admit to mistakes, how will they be confident enough to admit to theirs?  I think my son respects me more for admitting that I was not perfect but that I’ve always done my best. A friend of mine told me to look at it this way. Look back over your parenting and if you did the right thing 85% percent of the time….you’ve done great!

I picked my son up from school today and he was a little down - he learned that everyone is not your friend and cannot be trusted - a lesson we all have to learn at some point. I tried to cheer him up - but he surprised me when he told me “Oh mom, they were just leaves - they just died”. I was like - what do you mean?   To my surprise he starts telling me that he learned that lesson from Madea - LOL. Here is the quote. It’s amazing the things that stick with us.

Some people come into your life for a lifetime and some come for a season. You have to know which is which. I put everybody that comes into my life in the category of a tree. Some people are leaves on a tree. The wind blows, they go to the left. The wind blows from the other way, they go to the right. They are just unstable. You can’t count on them for nothing. All they ever do is take from that tree. What you need to understand about a leaf is that it has a season. It’ll wither and die and blow away.There ain’t no need to be praying over a leaf to be resurrected. When it’s dead it’s gone. Let it go! Some people are like that. All the leaf ever does is cool you off every now and then. If you’re grown, you know what I’m talking about, because you can call them in the middle of the night and get cooled off. That’s the leaf people. They come to take.

Then there are people like a branch. You got to be careful with branch people. They come in all different shapes and sizes. You never know how strong they will be in your life. So my advice is to tip out on it slowly. When you’re going out on a limb, don’t put too much weight on it at once, because it can fall and leave you high and dry. Sometimes, you have to wait for a branch to grow up before it can hold all of the things you want to share with it.

Finally, there are people who are like roots at the bottom of the tree. If you find yourself two or three people in your entire lifetime that are like the roots, then you are blessed. The roots don’t care nothing about being seen. All they’re there to do is hold that tree up, to make sure it stays in the air. It comes from the earth to give that tree everything it needs. That’s what relationships should be about. That’s what you need, people who want to be in your life for the right reasons. If somebody wants to walk out of your life, you’ve got to LET THEM GO! When you learn to love yourself, you will end up giving standards to everyone around you. Again, I repeat with emphasis, if they don’t meet those standards, you have to let them go, because they might be a leaf. And forgive them with all your might. - Madea

FYI - Soul Sistah and AJ are one in the same.

Peace!

I may not be, but I’m the one that’s here with you and your going to respect me and obey my rules or I’m going to discipline you like I was your Momma/Daddy.

OK…maybe you shouldn’t physically discipline your step-children but you definitely better put them in check before they run all over you. If they get away with saying this to you one time…they’ll say it whenever the mood strikes them and it only gets worse.

Also, when you put them in check, do it IN FRONT OF their biological parent/your spouse so the child knows your both on the same page and that you will not waffle just because their biological parent is present. One of the most important elements in a blended family is maintaining a united front in the presence of the children. If they see any weakness they will exploit it and have you and your spouse at odds.

My husband I celebrated our anniversary this weekend and went out of town to spend some alone time. To our surprise there was a bottle of wine and a floral arrangement sitting on the table in our hotel room.

When I read the card I realized it was from my step-daughter. It made me so proud that we’d raised her to be the thoughtful & generous young woman that she is.   This gesture also confirms a certain appreciation she has for me. I mean, really how many STEP-CHILDREN would really celebrate the anniversary of their biological and step-parents marriage?

Just further verification that sometimes what you give comes back.

While most families in our country are now made up of blended families, I thought this was a very eye-opening article. I’ve always thought it best to discipline your own children when in a blended family situation. What do you think?

Six-year-old Oscar Jimenez Jr. was beaten to death in California, then buried under fertilizer and cement. Two-year-old Devon Shackleford was drowned in an Arizona swimming pool. Jayden Cangro, also 2, died after being thrown across a room in Utah.

In each case, as in many others every year, the alleged or convicted perpetrator had been the boyfriend of the child’s mother men thrust into father-like roles which they tragically failed to embrace.

Every case is different, every family is different. Some single mothers bring men into their lives who lovingly help raise children when the biological father is gone for good.

Nonetheless, many scholars and front-line caseworkers interviewed by The Associated Press see the abusive-boyfriend syndrome as part of a broader trend that deeply worries them. They note an ever-increasing share of America’s children grow up in homes without both biological parents, and say the risk of child abuse is markedly higher in the nontraditional family structures.

“This is the dark underbelly of cohabitation,” said Brad Wilcox, a sociology professor at the University of Virginia. “Cohabitation has become quite common, and most people think, ‘What’s the harm?’ The harm is we’re increasing a pattern of relationships that’s not good for children.”

The existing data on child abuse in America is patchwork, making it difficult to track national trends with precision. The most recent federal survey on child maltreatment tallies nearly 900,000 abuse incidents reported to state agencies in 2005, but it does not delve into how rates of abuse correlate with parents’ marital status or the makeup of a child’s household.

Similarly, data on the roughly 1,500 child-abuse fatalities that occur annually in the United States leaves unanswered questions. Many of those deaths result from parental neglect, rather than overt physical abuse. Of the 500 or so deaths caused by physical abuse, the federal statistics do not specify how many were caused by a stepparent or unmarried partner of the parent.

However, there are many other studies that, taken together, reinforce the concerns. Among the findings:

Children living in households with unrelated adults are nearly 50 times as likely to die of inflicted injuries as children living with two biological parents, according to a study of Missouri abuse reports published in the journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics in 2005.

Children living in stepfamilies or with single parents are at higher risk of physical or sexual assault than children living with two biological or adoptive parents, according to several studies co-authored by David Finkelhor, director of the University of New Hampshire’s Crimes Against Children Research Center.

Girls whose parents divorce are at significantly higher risk of sexual assault, whether they live with their mother or their father, according to research by Robin Wilson, a family law professor at Washington and Lee University.

“All the emphasis on family autonomy and privacy shields the families from investigators, so we don’t respond until it’s too late,” Wilson said. “I hate the fact that something dangerous for children doesn’t get responded to because we’re afraid of judging someone’s lifestyle.” Entire Story

Hap tip to Black Perspectives

Sorry for my lack of posting lately but my laptop died and had to be resurrected.  I’ll start posting again after the holiday season.

In the meantime I’d like to wish you and your family a blessed and joyous Christmas and New Years!  If you are in a blended family, this is a good time to establish some traditions for your family.

I’ve found that one of the most important things parents can do in blended families is to always present a united front. If you show kids there are any cracks in your unity, they will exploit it and have you and your spouse at odds. You have to remember, kids do what they are allowed to do, only you can allow them to cause division.

My son knew this and played it well - lol. He would come to me with “concerns” about something my husband said to him and ask me what I thought - I’d direct him right back to his step-dad so they could work it out. I would often eavesdrop on the conversation - I still realized my husband was human and he was a step-parent so I trusted - but validated things (just keeping it real - lol) to ensure situations were handled fairly.

My son finally recognized that when he had issues with my husband, his best bet was to go directly to the source and stop trying to involve me. If I’d stepped in every time there was a disagreement it would have only created more drama.

Yes, I said it, some step-mothers are evil and hate their step-children for no other reason than jealousy. While I’ve been trying to point out the positives of step parents, I must also keep it real - some of them are the scum of the earth. Let me tell you the story of my father’s wife.

My father had an affair and divorced my mother when I was around 5, he later married the woman he’d had the affair with - let’s call her Renae. Since that time I’d not spoken to my father or laid eyes upon him again until the age of 16 . When I reconnected with my father he flew me out to his city and upon picking me up after all the hugs, etc., he told me that his wife - Renae was having issues with me coming out to see him and that she was jealous of me. Well, I was 16 and angry as hell at my father, his wife and her daughter. My anger stemmed from the fact that my father abandoned me, yet provided and cared for this woman and her daughter - so who the hell was she to be jealous of me? I must be honest he did send $50 dollars a month in child support, but I digress. During my stay, I had major attitude as most 16 year olds and did not take kindly to Renae, although I was respectful - I avoided her. She once made an effort to wash my clothes and I respectfully told her that I could wash my own clothes, she then made the mistake of saying to me “I’m just trying to do things for you that your mother doesn’t do” - oh snap…no this heffa did not say ANYTHING to me about my mother and I did’nt appreciate the implication of her comment……….needless to say, we had a verbal altercation and she received a verbal beat down. - ghetto style (BTW-Renae is white).

Fast forward some 27 years later, I’d not spoken to my father since I was about 18 and decided to look him up on an impulse. I’ve spoken with him several times now and in one our conversations I asked about Renae & her daughter and told him that I held no ill feelings toward them…hell I’m a grown azz woman, what’s done is done. I even asked to speak to Renae with good intentions, to which the reply was after some muzzling of the phone “Honey, she doesn’t want to talk to you”. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this woman is 72 years old and still acting a fool. It get’s worse but I’ll have to finish this later.