November 28, 2007 at 4:49 pm (Basics, Small Things, Step Mother, Step mom)
Tags: Appreciation, Step Child, Step-Mothers, Working Together
I’ve been on all sides of the blended family scene, the step-parent, the step-child, the biological parent, etc. you name it, I’ve been it. I’ve been blessed by it in a way as I can help others to see the different sides of the table and appreciate for myself the difficulties each side represents.
When my son went to live temporarily with his bio-dad and step-mom, I was quite apprehensive and concerned that this woman would mistreat my son. I made it my busineess to be cordial to her and express appreciation for the little things she did for my son – even while he showed her his behind. I also called her on the things I thought were out-of-order. I’m saying this to say, give credit where it is due and when you need to put the step-parent in check, you will not be viewed as the angry bio-parent. Remember, it is in your child’s best interest to work WITH the other set of parents, not against them.
I even sent her a heartfelt Mother’s Day card, because after all, she was taking care of my baby in all of his angry teenage rebellion – I knew it was not an easy situation for her to deal with – I knew my son……
5 Comments
November 26, 2007 at 8:35 pm (Silly Stuff, Step Family, blended family)
My step-daughter looks like I spit her out of my womb, seriously, folk have always looked at us and said “Your daughter looks just like you” and she and I would look at each other with our “look”….it was so funny. In contrast folk used to look at my youngest son (ours) and ask me who I was baby sitting for as he looks like a clone of his dad – I was just the incubator. Our middle son (mine) looks like my step-daughter and I guess it ties us all together in our mixed up, blended up family.
Over the holidays we were all at a football game and someone asked my husband if my son and his daughter were twins, he replied that they were not but they sure did look alike. I guess folks really start looking alike after being together for long periods of time.
1 Comment
November 13, 2007 at 9:26 am (Absent Parents)
Tags: , Abandoned Daughters, Absent Mothers, Bio-Mothers, Jealousy
It seems more and more women are hitting the road and leaving their children to be raised by men. I know at least two women that have done this, most notably my step-daughter’s mother – we’ll call her “Nancy”. See Nancy was all about self, she decided she wanted to run off with another man and apparently her daughter didn’t fit into the picture so she simply left her – but as I mentioned before, she took her pet bird….LOL..crazy huh?
Over the years Nancy was in and out of her daughters life and frequently doing what she could to create chaos in my household and hatred in her daughters heart. It seems she had no desire to raise her own child, yet she made it difficult for me to raise her by constantly filling her young head with negativity about our family. Nancy even had negative things to say about my son to her daughter….yes she was/is a piece of work. In the end Nancy only accomplished one thing – she robbed her young daughter of having a positive relationships with a younger brother who adored her and a step-mother who longed for a daughter.
This so called mother robbed her daughter of something she can never recover, a happy childhood. My step-daughter seemed to be a miserable soul – always sad, unresponsive to affection, feeling guilty if she had “fun” or “liked” me or my son, etc. And for what? To please a bio-mom that clearly did not have her best interest at heart, had no desire to raise her and didn’t think enough of her to attend her high-school graduation.
Throughout her daughters childhood and teenage years Nancy remained the same selfish, manipulative person she was when she initially left her child and took her pet bird……I guess she and the bird had something in common – the size of their brain.
If you as a woman choose to abandon your children – fine, but don’t stand back and throw stones when someone else attempts to raise them – it’s not fair to your child. Go and deal with your guilt in some other way and allow your children the opportunity & freedom to give and receive love from the folks that choose to step in and do the job that you refused.
18 Comments
November 12, 2007 at 12:03 pm (Basics, Step Parent)
Tags: dynamics, Expectations, Love, Respect
Many time step-parents feel like failures if their step-child does not love them or if they themselves do not feel love for their step-child(ren). Well why is it that either is expected to love one another? This is an expectation that is unreasonable. When you marry a person with children you do not have to love the children but you must respect them and their relationship with their parent(s). You are under no obligation to love your step children no more than you are expected to feel instantaneous love for your in-laws or out-laws in some cases.
The reason we set this unrealistic expectation is because we are trying to mimic the structure and feel of a nuclear family – but blended families have a different dynamic than nuclear families. This expectation will kick you in the butt every time because you are comparing apples to oranges.
Stop feeling guility if you don’t lurrrve your step-children and stop feeling rejected if they don’t love you. If you can create a positive relationship with these children then you’ve accomplished what is necessary and healthy for your family and from there…….love will probably show it’s face sooner or later.
5 Comments
November 8, 2007 at 7:43 pm (Basics, Step Family, Step Mother)
Tags: , acceptance, attitudes, loyalty, rejection, trust
Life as a step-child is not easy. I was someones step-child and quite honestly, I didn’t care for my step-father although he did provide for me and was civil towards me. I cannot recall one single time when he was unkind. I just didn’t like him because he was a “Step-father”….it was that simple.
While raising my step-daughter I remember times when I would try desperately to take our relationship beyond the superficial and become close to her. Our relationship would progress along nicely then all of a sudden, she would pull back. It was almost like she caught herself or was somehow reminded that I was her step-mother…you know the evil one and she was not supposed to like me. I’d express to her that she did not have to choose between myself and her mother that she had the capacity to love both of us, but I suspect she wasn’t getting the same message from the other side.
I soon grew tired of the roller coaster and detached myself from her emotionally until the next time. What does detachment look like, it simply means I became a spectator in her life and her father was forced to do it all during those seasons. Was I right – probably not, but a person (even grown folk) can only take so much rejection while trying to love and care for another human being.
I am happy to report that my (now grown) step-daughter has since put down her shield some. We’re close in a odd kind of way and while I’m not completely happy with our relationship, I’m satisfied with where we are. We have a sort of aunt/niece relationship and I think it strikes just the right balance for us.
6 Comments
November 7, 2007 at 10:29 am (Small Things)
Tags: , blended family, Inclusion, inclusiveness, Last Name, Outsider, Step Child
After I married my current husband all of us had his last name we’ll call Williams with the exception of my son from a previous marriage. Not realizing how “left-out” my son felt, we went along for years using “Williams” when identifying ourselves as a family at church, restaurants, etc.. Eventually my son expressed to me how this made him feel as if he was not a PART-OF our family.
Well the remedy to this small problem for my son was easy, I started signing everything (that was appropriate) with a hyphenated name, “Williams-MySonsLastName” – problem solved.
It’s funny how very small things can make another person feel.
4 Comments
November 6, 2007 at 12:14 pm (Absent Parents, Step Family)
Tags: Abandoned Boys, Absent Father, Biological Fathers, Ex Husband, Manhood, Step Fathers
I know I’m not alone when I say I’m simply amazed at how sorry some men can be when it comes to being responsible for their children. My sperm donor (ex-husband) lives in the same town with his child and doesn’t bother to call or contact his son. Mind you this child has had some serious issues in his life and is in desperate need of a loving male image and his father knows this – yet does nothing to address his sons needs.
Where are the real fathers – the ones who teach their children morals and values, who demand their sons work along side them to learn a skill, trade or simply how to fix small things around the house. Where are the men that taught their sons to not only respect but protect all of the females within the household and family? Where are the men that did not tolerate their sons involvement with drugs, guns and violence, but taught, peace, humility and hard work?
So many of our young males have been abandoned by their fathers that we have a generation of boys that don’t know what it is to be a real man. After all a woman cannot teach a boy to be a man – not that she can’t be a good mother, but boys need strong males in their lives to guide them into manhood.
Luckily my son is not involved in drugs, gangs or violence and he has a good work ethic, but the person that taught my son these things was not his biological father – it was his step-father who is in essence – his REAL father.
Unfortunately my child has yet to realize how blessed he is to have a step-father that spent time with him and guided him along the way. Did he make mistakes and go off track sometimes – yes, did I – yes. But the question is did he do right by my son 85% of time – yes, which is what counts in the end. We all have faults and no parent is perfect – even biological parents.
Sometime our children are desperately seeking what they already have – a parent that loves them.
5 Comments
November 5, 2007 at 9:01 pm (Basics, Step Mother, Step Parent, Step mom)
Tags: , Appropriate, Biological Mother, Jealousy, Step Child, Step Mother, Step Relatinships
Well he/she may call you alot of things…I was referring to what they call you in your face..lol. My step daughter began calling me Mom immediately after we got married of her own free will. I think she was longing for a female role model and I was it because her bio-Mom had pretty much abandoned her when she was very young (4) – when bio-Mom left her husband she took her pet bird and left her child – can you say “selfish”. Anyway I was fine with it but once, the bio Mom heard her refer to me as Mom, she dayum near jerked the childs arm off and yell’d at her “She is not your mother”? Well I beg to differ. You see I was the one combing her hair, purchasing her clothes with MY OWN money, helping to ensure she did her homework, explaining menstral cycles, boys, etc. Where was her bio-mother – oh she was off living the high life, traveling the world, making CD’s, etc. while I raised her daughter who has BTW grown into a beautiful young woman.
These folk kill me saying who is a mother and who is not. Just because you give birth to a child does not make you a mother in the true sense of the word. Even the children know that.
13 Comments
November 3, 2007 at 6:53 am (Basics)
Tags: In-Laws, Family, judgemental, fairytale, evil stepmother, Step Mother, Step Parents, Out-Laws, Influence, Interfere
Being a step-mother is hard enough without having ig’nant in-laws and family members to deal with. In many cases the only things some folk know about step-parenting was learned from a fairytale – can you say “Cinderella”? These folk have a pre-conceived notion that all step-mothers are evil. You say, I’m not marrying his family, I’m marrying him – I beg to differ. Unless your spouse is willing to cut his family out of his life, you most certainly are marrying his family.
If you would like to have a positive relationship with these folk described above, you need to be willing to go the extra mile. Talk with them about your step-children and ask for their advice (I didn’t say you had to take it), but try and let them know how much you adore your step-children (if in fact you do – some of them behave as if they are aliens) Hopefully demonstrating to your in-laws that you are truly concerned with your step-children will put them at ease and they will in turn give you the benefit of the doubt and stop treating you like Cruella DeVille.
Unfortunately I did not learn this until several years into my journey….I thought it would be easier to ignore the out-laws…but in hind sight, if I’d done this earlier it would have been in my best interest. See you can learn something from all of my screw-ups…lol.
Also, don’t be surprised if some of your family and friends question you correcting your step-children. Folk seem to think you are suppose to nurture, provide and care for your step-children, but when you correct them – you are reminded that you are the step-parent….ARGGHHH.
2 Comments
November 3, 2007 at 4:24 am (Small Things)
Tags: acknowledge, Acknowledgement, Expression, feelings, Greeting Cards . Personal, Teach children to express
One thing I’ve done with my children (now teens and adults) to help them express themselves was to encourage them to write personal greeting cards. This forced them to do some thinking and express positive feelings they had for other family members…..yeah I know they may not always be completely honest but surely you can find at least one positive thing to say about someone. This little exercise is also helpful to the recipient as something positive about them is acknowledged.
Anyway…this was just a small thing that I thought was worthwhile.
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