I recently had an acquaintance of mine share with me some problems she was having in her family. She has a son from a previous marriage and she has since remarried. Her son we’ll call Jonathan as she has stated is irresponsible, selfish and lazy. He refuses to work and is failing school that mind you she and her husband are financing. My friend feels strongly that her husband HATES her son.
I think her husband is sick of her son being sorry and expects him to step up and take some responsibility for himself and stop wasting their hard earned dollars. Jonathan is 21 years old and should be either working or going to school full time and bringing home passing grades. We as mothers (myself included) need to stop coddling these boys (and girls) and force them to grow the hell up!
Now I will say the husband needs to be concerned and fair in his dealing with Jonathan but bottom line is Jonathan is a grown man and needs to start acting as such.
Nickname Sammy (female) said,
November 2, 2007 at 11:41 am
I agree. The son should be pulling his own weight if he feels the need to stick under his mother. And the mother should also set some rules or boundaries because she would not want stress in her marriage due to her son (grown man) who should be out on his own.
Soul Sistah said,
November 2, 2007 at 5:17 pm
Hi Sammy! You are my first commenter!!! Thanks for taking time to chime in.
chocl8t said,
November 7, 2007 at 6:44 pm
HI! Her new husband probably does not HATE her son but instead is fed up with his irresponsible behavior! It’s time for “Jonathan” to MAN UP and for his mother to cut the apron strings. She is doing him a great disservice by enabling his behavior and putting her relationship with her husband in danger.
BTW, I love the look and feel of your site!!
Soul Sistah said,
November 7, 2007 at 7:11 pm
Hey Gurrlll…Thanks for stopping by. I really prefer Word Press over Blogger, I may even MOVE my other blog over. This one has more controls and better management tools.
Seattle Slim said,
November 8, 2007 at 12:33 am
Thanks for your comment!
I’m starting or have started my little blended family and I was just about to get started on how terrible her husband was when I noticed that Jonathan is 21 years old. I can definitely understand why they are frustrated. I hope it all works out.
Soul Sistah said,
November 8, 2007 at 9:39 am
Hi Seattle Slim
Yeah Jonathan needs to MAN UP and handle his business. Many times the bio-parent is in denial about their children.
Larry said,
February 21, 2008 at 4:54 pm
There is a something a play here I think you are missing. There isn’t a fraternal bond between son and step father. Sure we need to hold our children responsible but a some point the father needs to review his relationship with his step-son.
Is it possible there is real hatred of the step-son and not the imaginings of the biological parent. Based on the information provided, the mother IS holding her son accountable.
If there is a “hate” relationship, this complicates everyone’s life not just the son’s. It does happen, step-parents can despise their step children.
Step-parents need to find a way to love their step-children. Yes, I said LOVE. Without love, the empathy and compassion needed to raise a child is missing. With non-blended families, this is normally present (of course there are exceptions).
My wife and I, both married with children before we married, have had to build a relationship with our respective step children. Early on I noticed how much I despised her children and she despised mine. I used to relish in the disappointments created by her children as it proved they were no good.
She did exactly the same thing with mine. We would never admit we felt this way.
After a while this attitude toward our step children started affecting our relationship. I knew enough about relationships to know that this would eventually spell doom for us. If you think this changes after they move out…think again.
I started asking myself if I could condition my responses with a loving attitude toward my step children. After a short period, I found that not only could act lovingly toward my step children, I actually started loving them.
Today, my step son continues to have his issues and my wife and I discuss how we can best address them. The difference is today love is in the equation and It makes a monumental difference.
Often the answer is tough-love. Just don’t make it ALL about tough!
aj said,
February 21, 2008 at 5:19 pm
Welcome Larry,
How insightful! Thanks for sharing your experience…it’s hard work isn’t it? I think you have touched upon important component. I think some step-parents are simply not capable or too selfish to embrace and love their step-children, many times they are simply jealous. I also think as I stated in another post that you should not be expected to initially love your step-child, but you probably WILL with time and nurturing, I did – but it did not come quickly.
As far as Johnathan, point taken about his step-dad – I do not think his step-father loves him at this point and this situation has caused a triangle in this family.
Yes, I’ve noticed not too much changes after the kids leave home….lol
seana said,
May 28, 2008 at 12:54 am
Young boys need positive role models and a lot of them give up on themselves because the male figures in their life is negative or puts them down. Some young men need more encouragement and attention to help build their self esteem. People don’t just go around hating people….there has to be some damage in that relationship between the stepdad the the stepson that requires attention and repair. So many people dwell on….well the kid has to step up…grow up…etc. What about us as parents….does that stop at 18 years old? Some people mature later. These kids whether they are 18 or 21 need love and attention and encouragement. They need guidance in this world. So many of these young individuals lack the self esteem and drive to succeed because they have been beat down emotionally. Many of these young individuals feel isolated and lonely because their moms remarry and they are no longer the main focus of their mother’s life. The new man becomes the mother’s prority until he leaves her and then her son becomes more important again. There needs to be a balance and love has to be shown. I agree with Larry….it’s not always about Tough Love…what amount LOVE?
rld752008 said,
June 6, 2008 at 8:20 pm
I posted this in another area, but I am going to repost, because I really would like some insight.
I have been married to my husband for almost four years, I have four children two teenage boys, and one girl 10 and 8 year old boy. My husband, has two smaller children, who live in another state ,being raised by their mother. So it is my opinion that he really does not have enough experience raising children. My oldest son one day starts being disrespectful to me, so my husband intervenes, and a big fight starts. I called the police, and everything had calmed down, until my husband decides to tell my son, while the cops where there, that, “if I see you around here again I will kill you”. They take him to jail for the threat, my son goes off to live with his bio father, my husbands spends a year fighting the case, and going back and forth to anger management. He blames me, (because he says he was defending me) he felt that I should have put my son out a long time ago, although he was only 15 at the time. My husband feels that I should have nothing to do with my son. I have been stressing how important it is to forgive, but he thinks my son will so him more harm. My relationship has continued with my son, but I have not let my husband know this, he asked me not to deal with him, at least until my son turned 18 and could be considered a man, and accountable for his actions. I know my son was wrong, but my husband has a big role in him acting out at all. Once we got married he was on that boy from sun up to sun down, giving him no free time, constantly making him write sentences about his behavior, making him stay in his room, he was just micro parenting. My husband is an ex military man, and wants everything his way. I don’t think I can handle much longer him hating my son, its bad enough he hates everyone else in my family. I just want to live in peace. For the most part we have good marriage, but I can’t get over him not even making the attempt to forgive my son and move on. I tell myself many times that I should have been left him long ago, that no real mother allows her husband to hate he son and stay. But then, I say my son was in the wrong, he should not have been disrespecting me, What if I give up my marriage just to be back in the same boat. Will I resent my son, when I am a single parent, lonely and struggling to make ends meet again? Or will I continue to stay married and in the back of my heart keep resenting my husband and never truly have a happy home?
Sheila said,
October 15, 2008 at 2:19 pm
Hmmm….
This is a tough one. The lesser of two evils. I can relate to what your situation is with having had a husband like yours with a family setup as yours. I had 3 pre-teen aged boys from another relationship living with me (ages 6, 9, 11) when I married my husband who had 2 children from a previous relationship also living with their mother in another state. So my husband’s live in experience with his bio kids was limited as well. And my husband was very impatient with the shortcomings of my sons and had a lot of trouble showing love to them. In fact, he clearly resented (nearly hated) 2 of my sons after we lived together as husband and wife. He felt they lacked proper discipline in general and that old school respect for me that we both grew up on. There was some truth to this part, I agree. But at the same time, my husband didn’t want to get involved with the discipline. How strange I thought! He wanted me to do it all while he constantly criticized me behind the scenes. No support like that.
However, there is something to be said about the atmosphere that the spirit of hatred puts in a home. No matter if it’s from parent to child or from child to parent. It is just a poison that needs to be eliminated. No love in a home equals no happiness in a home. Everybody in the home will get the trickle down affects of whatever is being sown in the home. No one will escape. So one person’s problem is really EVERYBODY’s problem. That is why these types of problems MUST be dealt with and eliminated sooner rather than later. Hatred is a POISON.
To rld752008: here’s my $.02 of an opinion.
I think you have to ponder and weigh how will the most good come out of any of the decisions you’re considering making. If you turn your back on your son (to have peace with your husband), that will have long term negative affects on your son as he develops into his manhood. And you may never be able to rebuild/repair your relationship with him as long as your husband continues to be your husband with his current attitude. And if you stay with your husband, it will make him feel like he is right for doing what he does and for thinking what he thinks. He will somehow feel justified and empowered and correct in the matter of this kind. And your voice with regard to your children gets lost. If he really loves you, he will care about your feelings when you discuss this matter with him…if he really loves you. Real love is not selfish and is kind and is patient.
If he doesn’t hear you out in your heart to heart discussion and if he doesn’t want to work on this as a family leader… (are you a spiritual woman?)…then I say PRAY! Not just one time. But pray and pray and have faith when you pray and pray to God Almighty of Heaven and Earth. Keep on praying and fasting and praying until…. you get an answer from heaven. Only God and one one else can change the heart of a man…. Only GOD and GOD alone. And while you’re waiting on God to work on your behalf for your family, you sew seeds of peace, goodness and kindness to your family and your husband. You be the example of LOVE in the home even when things are not in your favor. The bible says: Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good. (Romans 12:21 KJV)
However, if you are not a spiritual woman, you’ll only be able to withstand so much distress before you reach your breaking point and at that point, you’ll know exactly what to do because you won’t be able to take it anymore.
kitty said,
March 8, 2009 at 3:14 pm
hi there, i just found this site and am looking to vent. I live in the uk wit my partner who has 2 girls from a previous reletionship. I have always had issues with his kids. They come every second weekend and take over my home,i am bi polar and am on medication but i havent been well of late. I have just had a bad weekend as received news that i have abnormalities down below and have to go to hospital. So afraid i can never have kids of my own. Hate his kids,especially the ten year old. She is a horrible self opinionated child and even my friends agree. Plus she is always ill wit something or other just looking for attention. I just always want to hide in my room when they r there. And not speak to them. I didnt speak to them at all this weekend. Things are getting a lot worse. I get so angry when i find they have moved anything or put the blind down crooked. I hate them. My partner isnt speakin to me now,i’ve been im bed all day. Afraid to go near him. I should just leave i know but i have nowhere to go. My job contract expires in three weeks and am tryim to find a new job but its so hard nowadays. Can someone help please? Anyone. Is there anything i can do to tolerate these stupid kids. I know its evil to hate kids but i cant stop myself. Please help i am scared and need help. Please dont be nasty to me even though i deserve it. Im at breakin point now wish i could just leave this world