Please stop hating on your ex’s new wife, unless of course she was a home wrecker, then she deserves your wrath. But in cases were you and your ex divorced and he moved on and is now remarried, stop the dayum drama!
Remember, your children are around this woman and at her mercy many times. If you treat her like the scum of the earth she may very well take it out on your children either consciously or unconsciously. Many times step-mothers are not “evil” as the fairytale suggests, they are loving, giving folk that are doing their best to accept and care for children that are now dealing with the divorce of their parents. And please do not try and turn your children against the very woman that is helping to raise them….that is so jacked up. You are doing a disservice to your own kids.
So grow the hell up and be cordial to your children’s step-mother! This is a woman that can help you to raise well-balanced children with high self-esteem, unshakable faith and ambition.
Soulkimchee said,
November 3, 2007 at 12:44 am
Stumbled across you from a comment on another site. Im going through some hell with a woman who is RELENTLESS. I hope I can find some answers here or at least a place to vent it all out. I be the step mom she be the crazy person who keeps the kids away from the dad because Im there. *sighs*
Soul Sistah said,
November 3, 2007 at 3:45 am
Hi Soulkimchee,
Thanks for stopping by. I’ve certainly been in a similar situation – it is mind boggling the way some folk act. I wish I’d had a safe place to vent, thus I decided to start one for others. I may not have all the answers but I am a good listener (or reader in this case) lol! I’ve been on both sides of this blended family drama and neither side is any fun believe me. When my son lived (temporarily) with his dad and his step-mom, I knew that I had to treat her with respect. When things went down that I didn’t like, I spoke directly with her, cause we all know who really runs the households right?
As far as her keeping the kids away – is there a court order with visitation spelled out? If there is not, then that would be first step to resolving this. If there is a document and she’s not abiding by it – it’s time to take her to court for contempt. Also, what is her issue with you?
Soulkimchee said,
November 3, 2007 at 2:05 pm
There is a court order for visitation and child support, he pays on time and has been doing so since HE was ordered to. Ive been trying to convince him to take his ex back to court for awhile now but he seems to think this will only make the situation worse. The way he’s been handeling her irratates me but I think he’s starting to realize some kind of action needs to be taken. The Ex wife has no real beef with me IMO. He divorced her and she fought him tooh and nail, I know she still wants her “family”. He hasnt had conact with his two children for 4 months, the situation is very hard on me because I can tell he’s in a great deal of pain. I cant do nothing about it, its really not my place.
Soul Sistah said,
November 3, 2007 at 6:27 pm
Hopefully he’ll come around and have the courts enforce the orders. Hang in there!
Joy said,
November 8, 2007 at 5:55 pm
I am going through HELL with a very bitter woman. I had nothing to do with their divorce. I hope I can find some support and good advice. When my husband and I were dating the Ex seem o’kay, but since we got married, its been hell.
Soul Sistah said,
November 8, 2007 at 6:00 pm
Welcome Joy,
I feel you with the bitter ex…I’ve had a crazy step-wife for the last 17 years. It’s definitely no fun and can be taxing on your marriage. How many children do you have?
Kristina said,
December 19, 2007 at 3:01 pm
Hi everyone,
Well, I’ve read through some of the comments and have to say I understand! I’m currenly engaged to a GREAT guy. He was previously married and has two neat kids. One is 17 years old, the other is 13 years old. I get along with them just fine and my relationship has just been a blessing. The ex however is a TRIP. Sometimes I think she’s certifiable. Where to begin – she’s not just bitter she’s angry. I mean REAL angry. She’s one of those that should be going through anger management courses. I think the 17 year old is definitely more mature than she is.
My fiancee is great with the kids and they love spending time with him, The 17 year old has been spending mroe time with us stating “I need a break from mom and want to be around happy people.” One of my biggest issues is this – When it’s our day to be with the kids the ex calls incessantly for stupid little things that the kids will tell us when we pick them up. My fiancee and I definitely see that it’s to “conveniently” remind us that she’s their mom. Then when we DON’T have the kids, she’ll call. One time she called 5 times in a day. The other day, she left a message. “Oh, she’s asking for fashionable, workout clothes. Where can I get that?”
I did sit down with my fiancee and let him know how I felt. To me those are conversations that MARRIED couples have. The everyday mundane but bonding conversations. And get this….she’s engaged. She’s supposed to be getting married by the end of December, and has told my fiancee over and over again that she’s only marrying the guy for the medical benefits. WHAT IS THAT?
I’m a full time working, successful woman who loves her fiancee and his kids…and everytime we pick the kids up or do something with them I feel like we have to build on the relationship from square one because of this woman. Whatever good occurs while we have them, she just stomps all over it. Then girls are older but this IS their mom. I respect that. But what if the mom is just a rotten person? Sometimes it feels like she’s just not going to let anyone be happy because she’s so miserable.
Ugh, any advice?
Soul Sistah said,
December 23, 2007 at 1:38 pm
Hi Kristina,
It sounds like the ex may have not gotten over your fiancee and uses the children to try and stay connected by calling etc. Hopefully the fiancee will see this and put her in check about it.
You just keep building your relationship with your fiancee and the kids regardless of what the ex does. The kids will see thru her efforts eventually, although it will take some patience and hard work. It’s like taking two steps forward and then one backwards.
Mister-M said,
January 10, 2008 at 3:15 pm
I pray for the day of enlightenment that your words could mean for my psycho ex-wife. The chaos and terror that she causes me and my loved ones (including her own children) is beyond what a simple desription could convey.
After 3-years and my life-savings spent, I’ve managed to dig my way back to a 50/50 custody arrangement, but that’s only made her worse, not better. What a nightmare that grown people can’t simply move on for the true benefit of the children.
My story: http://www.thepsychoexwife.com
Thanks for sharing yours!
~LM
Soul Sistah said,
January 10, 2008 at 3:22 pm
Hi Mister – Seems some people hate their ex more than they love their kids. By the time they realize the harm caused to their children, it’s often too late.
It’s so silly and counter productive. Dealing with some of these ex’s is like dealing with a juvenile. SMH
Mister-M said,
January 24, 2008 at 1:24 pm
I hear ya. Another court hearing was averted at the 11th hour when my PEW cancelled the hearing. She used an “illness” excuse, but the reality is, she tried to beat me into submission on a custody issue that she would have lost in a big way and I held my ground.
The hearing was cancelled this morning with about 90-minutes to spare.
She doesn’t want to go in front of our judge again with a false contempt petition (this would have been #6 in the last two years – all dismissed).
~Mister-M
Toni said,
June 22, 2008 at 6:32 am
We have one as well & know several people with bitter ex wives, and it is amazing how many characteristics they share. I’m putting together a tentative list of behaviors that happened PRIOR to divorce or even marriage. I’m trying to find characteristics that they all share & my ultimate goal is to find a graduate student in psychology or similar field to do a formal study. Being a bitter ex wife is abuse–plain and simple.
This is my list so far:
# accounting/finance/librarian background or degree – something that can require little to no human interaction
# VERY focussed on the “Motherhood Mystique” and not on parenting (ranting on & on about what a special bond “motherhood” is and that no one can understand it, while not actively parenting)
# No self-responsibility: everything is someone else’s fault
# victim personality: everyone has done everything TO her
# husband is never allowed to be right
# extremely antisocial to the point of hostility
# verbally abusive
# low self esteem
# always believes she or the child has illnesses, diseases, conditions. (Ours goes all the way to probable Münchhausen by Proxy, but as it is only psychological & not physical, that will take a while to prove)
# chooses not to work, can’t work because of “illness” that can’t be found by any doctor, or works part-time (which is probably why it is so female-centric)
# from a divorced family, often hostile parenting situations
# Verbally lashes out without provocation when angry (we refer to these as the FLAMING NASTIES)
# If she apologizes for her behavior, it is the victim that caused it (classic abuse symptom)
# Has built up such a fictitious “poor me” story of how everyone has abused her/misunderstood her that she seems to actually believe it
# makes a great show of generosity or kindness when being challenged with her own behavior. (The only time ours can be counted on to not verbally unleash on total strangers is when she’s been contacted by our attorney. She’s over-the-top charming then. Then goes back to the angry-at-the-world monster later)
# very obsessed with the past
# addicted to therapy, but will change therapists immediately when confronted with self-responsibility
# views friends/partners/spouses having other interests as a betrayal
# sees herself as a martyr. Agrees to something, then is angry at the other person for what she has agreed to
# All sex in the marriage stopped more than three years before the marriage broke up–in one case 11 years
If these apply or don’t apply to your ex, could you let me know? Or if you have other characteristics that you know of?
Let’s change the world people!
aj said,
June 22, 2008 at 8:40 pm
Toni,
In reading your list I’ve identified over 50% of the characteristics with the woman that I dealt with. She was/is truly a twisted piece of work.
liz said,
September 8, 2008 at 6:24 am
Two years ago my husband and I had to aknowledge our limitations as a blended family under fire. The children were collateral damage in their mothers campagn of terror against me. We were advised to put the two that were still under eighteen into boarding school and move away. I wrote to the biological mother for the first time since the eight years that I had been married and had 85% care of her three children.
Attached is my personal acknowledgment of failure and the biological mothers’ response:
Dear Justine
My Husband tells me that you are under the impression that I compose his emails to you. I do not bother. Half way through this year I ceased even reading the emails that you send and his replies. I don’t sign others names to my work. I own my own words. This is not my scene and I am only writing to you now to tell you that you’ve won so I don’t know why you’re still fighting me.
You are obviously the only person that can meet No 2’s needs at the moment. Whatever we are doing is not working for her. The only people that no 2 has not accused of abuse are you and your husband. Under the circumstances it seems it would be best for no 2 to come and live with you or go to boarding school.
It has been made very clear to me that paying for no 2’s schooling is a form of emotional abuse. I have consequently withdrawn that financial support, effective from the end of fourth term. The situation is now between you and my husband.
Regarding your personal slander of me, in order to hold you to account legally, I would have to prove that you have enough credibility for your lies to have harmed me professionally. I could cite the loss of no 2 as an injury resulting from your lies, but the Court’s would view that as a financial gain and there would be no case to answer. The other problem is that you would need to be worth suing and as you don’t amount to more than the legal costs the case would be futile. If, after no 3 turns 18, you have acquired employment or credibility and you are still spreading the same filth then I will go back to the lawyers. I would not like to be an impediment to you meeting the children’s needs before then.
By telling the children so many lies about me, you are giving them the message that you would rather they were raised by a “friendless, diseased, ugly, mentally defective whore” than you. How do you think that affects their self esteem? The fact that you deem me to be a more appropriate caregiver than yourself must be frightening for the children.
If your dreams come true and you convince everyone that I’m a reformed whore, how will that help you? Reformed whores are the backbone of early settlements, favoured by both Jesus and Buddha and iconic figures in literature. If you think that convincing my husband he’s getting five grand worth of professional grade sex each week for free is going to hurt our relationship, then you’ve obviously forgotten how much the man loves a bargain.
At the end of the day you are still a mother that left her children- something that is such a rare aberration that it is not dealt with in the Bible or the Sutras and in literature is usually a deranged or tragic figure. Most human mothers stay with their kids. Most mammals stay with their kids. You have to go down to the reptile kingdom before you look normal. I know all about your past. In fact, I’ve seen your “work” and the moral high ground you take is ridiculous.
I accept that I have failed as a stepmother to no 1 and no 2 and I may fail number 3 but it is not my desire to do so. It is the nature of stepmothering. I am doing the things that their mother should be doing for them and for a child that is difficult. The fact that you continued to sign consent orders that effectively put the children in my care and then undermined every effort I made, has made a difficult job much harder. For eight and a half years I have done my best, educated myself, taken professional advice and fallen flat on my face. Not once have you thanked me for the vomit cleaning, the delousing, the homework supervision, the extracurricular classes, the birthday parties and the maintaining of their home and their social lives. They are all healthy, their teeth are sealed, they have their vaccinations, they have access to the best child psychiatrist, and they are well educated. As their mother hasn’t it ever occurred to you that someone else had to do this for them? Someone has been caring for them. You have never once thanked me for trying.
My daughter tells people that she has one mummy, but she has to share hers and the other kids have two mummies so it’s not fair. She gets what’s left of me after I’ve given my best for your kids. Life is not fair for so many people involved in this situation, but at least she can say that she’s always been with me.
You win. I can’t stand this anymore. I can’t stand the slander, the poisoning, the innuendo, the barbs, the snipes and the conflict and the stalking. I don’t have your stamina. How you can keep up an attack for so long and with such spite and venom is, in an abstract way, quite impressive. I don’t know where you get the energy from. Imagine how much you could have achieved if you’d have channeled that same energy into getting a job and providing a home for the kids. You could have been rich or cured cancer by now if you’d used your talents differently.
I have sometimes mused about what I could possibly have done to you in a past life that gives me the karma to raise your children while you attack me. A friend tried to cheer me up by suggesting it might be something I’m going to do to you in a future life. That thought amused me for a moment, but the concept of having to meet you again ever is too depressing.
By this stage the situation should have mellowed. You are not normal.
No2 will have to live away from home because she has accused us all of emotional abuse and you have enabled her in this. This is the consequence of your actions. She leaves everyone no other safe option. I hope that she can be happy. I hope that you can enjoy your victory.
With deep regret and resignation,
Liz
The biological mother’s concerned response and the only response she ever gave other than verbally refusing residency of the children.
Dear Liz,
Thank you for your correspondence. .
In immediate response, we are currently are accommodating houseguests who
have requested I enquire of information on their behalf:
Could you please advise of the job specification and requirements pertaining
to ‘professional grade sex’ and how one can appropriate a fixed cost? (i.e.
we’re trying to attribute specific acts, regularity, danger money, doing it
with the short and bald etc to monetary compensation) in the context of
committed relationships. As we are unsure of the price per act we would
love qualified advice! (Theo also wants to know if the 5 grand covers
ointment.).
Cheers
Theo and Justine
But really what did I hope to get in response, my husband keeps warning me to stop expecting rational outcomes from irrational people.
Psychox said,
December 26, 2008 at 11:45 pm
I came across this website after I very recently shocked myself with my own behaviour towards my ex-husband and his new partner – and realising how “Psycho-Ex” my appalling behaviour was, I hit google frantically searching for ‘answers’ and ‘help’…. Maybe anyone here who has been on the receiving end of the madness of a psycho ex can shed some advice and any comment really. Maybe this is NOT the place to air my views but as I do NOT think I was right in anyway in what I did, and would NOT want to be (or continue to be) a psycho ex then maybe this IS the place for me to ask for advice/help.
Ex husband and I have been separated 3 years. Our separation made allocation for a continued ‘friendship’ which I was keen to maintain for the sake of keeping the ‘family thing’ going for our 2 children aged 6 and 8. He often came over at his choosing and when he did we had dinner together and sometimes he slept over, and sometimes still – we even had sex. With hindsight I realise that allowing this sort of activity was totally WRONG and certainly confusing for the children. We often did ‘family’ trips and both of thinking it was keeping things ‘as together as possible’ for the kids, strived to allow for this involvement with each other.
Then recently he entered a new committed relationship. Obviously all of our previous ‘connections’ had to end and the ex who was my friend and who could walk into my bedroom and sit on my computer whilst I dressed for work because well, ‘he’d seen it all before’ so no big deal… suddenly treated me like a distant stranger. If I called him whilst he was with his new lady he would cut me off by asking “Everything OK with the kids?”, and all of the free involvement with each other came to a sudden halt – and with all due respect to the fact that he had a new relationship.
BUT for me it hit me so hard, it even shocked ME! I was well and truly over him (well thought I was) and I didn’t want the man I was previously married to, back in my life. He was now my friend and we were both very content with us being just that, yet as soon as he got into this relationship I felt the worst case of rejection I have ever experienced!! I observed his actions since meeting his new lady and noted how he’d made many positive changes for her that he had never done when with me. And this hurt me. Bad. He went very public with his new relationship very early on, introduced her to all of ‘our’ mutual friends, wore her off his arm with joy and pride and didn’t think twice about cruising in his car with her in MY neighbourhood! I tried to accept the change of ‘things’ and tried to continue the ‘family thing’ by inviting him over for dinner with the kids and myself, but the whole time he was with us his new partner kept constantly texting him about some thing they had planned for later that night. I know I had no right to feel anything about that…. but I did! I felt ‘robbed’ and in all honesty ‘cheated on’ – even though this was definitely not the case.
Note that this new relationship has only been in existence for the last 2 months.
Recently, I came into face to face contact with his new lady. This was our first face to face encounter and it was never planned. We bumped into ‘them’ unexpectedly. He gave me a broad grin and she was laughing and waving happily at my daughter who was waving happily back at them both. I tried to be composed but I felt a sudden dark wave of ‘confusion’ and ‘delirium’ come over me!! Suddenly, with them and the kids all happily greeting each other and everyone ignoring me – I felt so ‘excluded’ from what was once a picture I was a key part of. It was a brief feeling and for a very short time. I made the unthinkable mistake of looking at this woman very sternly and in absolute immaturity that I am totally ashamed of, I made a rude gesture at her with my finger and walked off.
I am so horrified at my behaviour. My ex called me that evening to inform me that I am a classless piece of trash and what I did has re-inforced his decision to never have anything to do with me again unless it is to do with our children. Fair enough. I probably would have felt the same way if the tables were turned.
What I’m MOST worried about is, am I a ‘psycho ex’ in the making??? Why do I feel so hurt and affected by my husband’s new relationship? I don’t want him back (I left HIM!) – well, I don’t want the man he WAS when we were together but over the last 3 years as ‘friends’ we have both matured and things between us were quite pleasant. Still, I have NO right to feel anything about his new relationship except that the new lady treats my children well, which she apparently DOES. I just don’t want to be that horrible creature causing chaos and destruction…..
I would like to apologise to my ex’s new lady for that rude and childish action – any suggestions as to how I can do this? Please note that we have not been introduced to each other yet so I cannot contact her directly. I was thinking of writing a ’sorry’ card to them both? Your comments??
aj said,
December 27, 2008 at 11:03 pm
Welcome Psychox, – sounds like you still have some strong emotional feelings for your ex and took your “friendship” as more than that of a normal “friend”. Sounds like you need to replace your feelings and attention on him with that of something else-perhaps even a hobby, other friends, etc. It’s always easier to replace a behavior than to stop it. (if that makes any sense).
As for your behavior with the new woman – we all lose control of our emotions from time to time and regret it. Believe me – I was no saint – I also had some kodak moments. LOL. I think it would be appropriate to send her a note of apology for what you did and explain to your children that what you did was inappropriate. Whatever you do – never put your children in the position to be on the receiving end of another woman’s wrath. If they can’t take it out on you they will likely take it out on your children.
I know it’s difficult to see your children have a positive relationship with your ex’s new woman – but ALWAYS be cool in the presence of your children and all involved then go vent to a girlfriend or a blog. Our anger sometimes blinds us and causes us to embarrass ourselves….we must remain in control of our emotions at all cost – and it’s not always easy. But it’s not the end of the world.
As far as your ex – leave him out of it – go directly to the one you offended and as far as him calling you trash, etc. – don’t let it bother you – the best thing you can do is be a happy and whole woman with or without a man.