I’ve found that one of the most important things parents can do in blended families is to always present a united front. If you show kids there are any cracks in your unity, they will exploit it and have you and your spouse at odds. You have to remember, kids do what they are allowed to do, only you can allow them to cause division.
My son knew this and played it well – lol. He would come to me with “concerns” about something my husband said to him and ask me what I thought – I’d direct him right back to his step-dad so they could work it out. I would often eavesdrop on the conversation – I still realized my husband was human and he was a step-parent so I trusted – but validated things (just keeping it real – lol) to ensure situations were handled fairly.
My son finally recognized that when he had issues with my husband, his best bet was to go directly to the source and stop trying to involve me. If I’d stepped in every time there was a disagreement it would have only created more drama.
Nikki said,
December 12, 2007 at 4:20 pm
You are right, that is the key. Having that strong united front is a must! That was one of the major roots to the problems I had with our blended family. My husband and I didn’t/don’t see eye to eye on some things and my step-daughter knew (you know children sense and know things). It caused a problem. Parents have to look at the big picture and realize they need to come to agreements on most issues with raising children or it will just cause havoc. Sometimes it is not so much important of the right and wrong in ones eyes, but moreso sticking to a decision. I speak in the past tense because, unfortunately, our blended family did not stay in tact. That may change in the future, but it is the situation now. I won’t really go into details because it is still fresh and painful.
Soul Sistah said,
December 12, 2007 at 6:51 pm
Nikki – I’m so sorry to hear that things did not work out. Hopefully you all can come to an understanding and repair your family.
a stepmom said,
December 31, 2008 at 9:54 pm
I am a mom in a blended family and I wish with all my heart my husband and I could have had a united front it will be 7 yrs in March if we make it. My husband is very bitter towards me His daughter and I never gelled I know I am not perfect and I suck at this whole step mom thing we have 5 children between us only one is our biological child she is 3 and I don’t want my baby to have to experience divorce or become part of a blended family. I am in love, I love my husband with all my heart I am praying he is a root and not a leaf. The Pain is almost beyond baring I will take all the blame I don’t even care any more I will accept it.
My situation is somewhat like Nikki’s for some reason little girls don’t want anyone but their mommies with their daddies. That natural affection bond is not there. Being imperfect we have that natural bond with our own children and we go into protective mode over them to. I am very guilty of this. I have never been able to form a bond with this child.
My husband seems to think there is no way to fix it and that our(his&mine) older children don’t care one way or the other.
He refuses to go to a family or even marriage counselor
I have asked for almost the entire time we where married for us to go to counseling and get counseling for his daughter to. Her mom just gave her and her brother to us 3 months after we where married. I don’t need to say anymore about the bio mom I can’t still understand her doing so.
But the united front is definetly important because all 4 of our children have taken advantage of this and put us at odds.
aj said,
January 5, 2009 at 4:52 pm
@stepmom – sorry for my tardiness in responding. I’m sorry to hear you are going thru so much turmoil in your family. It can be a painful thing when you have a love triangle going on in a blended family – beleive me – I’ve been there. There were many days when I wanted to throw in the towel because it seemed that no matter what I did – it was never good enough or there was always some criticism – but I realized that I had to leave my husband OUT of my relationship with my step-daughter. He could act a fool if he wanted to but I didn’t allow his behavior to effect my relationship with her – which eventually let them both know that my love was for real and I would have that relationship with her regardless of my feelings for him. I had to find a way to bond with her – and it was not easy. It was if she felt guilty if she would start getting too close to me. We had many false starts and it was a tiring and thankless tasks but eventually we bonded. Little girls have a special bond with their fathers and that bond is something that you will have to accept and even encourage – if you fight it – you will lose. Remember your husband loves his daughter in a different manner than he loves you – he has the capacity to love both of you – just don’t try and make him choose. Don’t give up trying to bond with his daughter – remember you are the adult so the onus is really upon you to keep trying. When you get tired – give it a rest but don’t give up.
If he won’t go to counseling then you could still benefit by going alone which can provide you with tools for dealing with the situation. Unfortunately men are sometimes reluctant to seek help – but if he values his marriage he needs to deal with this situation head on and do whatever he can to support you and your efforts to bond with his daughter – after all it would be to his daughters benefit as well.
I hope I’ve said something that can help you. I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers.
Kasmin Delgado said,
January 18, 2009 at 5:37 pm
I need help. I’m African American and my husband is another race. His son likes me and is happy for his dad, however is private in his feelings because his sister and mother (who’s been married twice since the union with my husband) have chosen not to like me.
I’ve been respectful and have let my husband take the lead. His leading has led us wayward because of his lack of boundaries. His daughter has been allowed to repeatedly disrespect me and little has been done. When he finally did take a little action, his daughter stated she doesn’t like me because I’m Black.
My husband has spent far too long attempting to figure out his ADULT CHILDREN’S behavior (of which, his daughter-the major culprit is married)! He has never taught them to honor him. They look at him as their support, their bank account and little more.
My husband says he gets it. He initially stated he’d work on things-which is why I married him and promised a united front. That hasn’t happened. Now he is unable to see how his disregard for me (even if its unintentional) is and has affected me and our relationship.
Now he’s really resentful toward me and will not let the past go. He accuses me of the very things he’s guilty of. WE’ve gone to counseling, yet he doesn’t apply the principles. He feels he does-yet there is little action and word coinciding.
Now he’s attacking my character and integrity because I’m deeply grieved and tired of dealing with the situation. He merely wants me to immediately forget and say nothing more-even if I don’t feel better.
My husband truly believes I’m the problem, that I want to be bitter and not let things go. He doesn’t connect with me emotionally-regarding the toll its taken and takes.
I keep insisting that the issue isn’t the Children, its our ability to mutually respect one another; that we both have to matter. That even if we disagree, what either of us express has to be respected-in action and words.
Dismissing me is no longer a viable option. It hurts too much.
Thanks for listening