While most families in our country are now made up of blended families, I thought this was a very eye-opening article. I’ve always thought it best to discipline your own children when in a blended family situation. What do you think?
Six-year-old Oscar Jimenez Jr. was beaten to death in California, then buried under fertilizer and cement. Two-year-old Devon Shackleford was drowned in an Arizona swimming pool. Jayden Cangro, also 2, died after being thrown across a room in Utah.
In each case, as in many others every year, the alleged or convicted perpetrator had been the boyfriend of the child’s mother men thrust into father-like roles which they tragically failed to embrace.
Every case is different, every family is different. Some single mothers bring men into their lives who lovingly help raise children when the biological father is gone for good.
Nonetheless, many scholars and front-line caseworkers interviewed by The Associated Press see the abusive-boyfriend syndrome as part of a broader trend that deeply worries them. They note an ever-increasing share of America’s children grow up in homes without both biological parents, and say the risk of child abuse is markedly higher in the nontraditional family structures.
“This is the dark underbelly of cohabitation,” said Brad Wilcox, a sociology professor at the University of Virginia. “Cohabitation has become quite common, and most people think, ‘What’s the harm?’ The harm is we’re increasing a pattern of relationships that’s not good for children.”
The existing data on child abuse in America is patchwork, making it difficult to track national trends with precision. The most recent federal survey on child maltreatment tallies nearly 900,000 abuse incidents reported to state agencies in 2005, but it does not delve into how rates of abuse correlate with parents’ marital status or the makeup of a child’s household.
Similarly, data on the roughly 1,500 child-abuse fatalities that occur annually in the United States leaves unanswered questions. Many of those deaths result from parental neglect, rather than overt physical abuse. Of the 500 or so deaths caused by physical abuse, the federal statistics do not specify how many were caused by a stepparent or unmarried partner of the parent.
However, there are many other studies that, taken together, reinforce the concerns. Among the findings:
Children living in households with unrelated adults are nearly 50 times as likely to die of inflicted injuries as children living with two biological parents, according to a study of Missouri abuse reports published in the journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics in 2005.
Children living in stepfamilies or with single parents are at higher risk of physical or sexual assault than children living with two biological or adoptive parents, according to several studies co-authored by David Finkelhor, director of the University of New Hampshire’s Crimes Against Children Research Center.
Girls whose parents divorce are at significantly higher risk of sexual assault, whether they live with their mother or their father, according to research by Robin Wilson, a family law professor at Washington and Lee University.
“All the emphasis on family autonomy and privacy shields the families from investigators, so we don’t respond until it’s too late,” Wilson said. “I hate the fact that something dangerous for children doesn’t get responded to because we’re afraid of judging someone’s lifestyle.” Entire Story
Hap tip to Black Perspectives
4Dvertigo said,
January 5, 2008 at 4:19 pm
I hadn’t realised that the risk of child abuse increases in nontraditional familes although I believe a number a studies have shown that parents are responsible for up to 60% of all child murders.
aj said,
January 5, 2008 at 4:39 pm
Frightening isn’t it?
chocl8t said,
January 8, 2008 at 6:52 pm
My mom was a single parent of 2 girls and always said she never remarried because she didn’t want to bring a man, other than our dad, in the house to be “over us”. She was so wise. But I fear she sacraficed some happiness for me and my sister.
Mister-M said,
January 10, 2008 at 3:20 pm
My partner and I each have two children. I also have a psycho ex-wife while her ex-husband is a really nice guy whom I consider a friend (no, I had no part in their breakup nor she in mine). Thank GOD for small favors.
In any event, their ages are B9, G9, B8, B6. Yikes! Fortunately, they all get along… most of the time.
In terms of discipline, we primarily discipline our own. However, in each others’ absence, should circumstances arise… we are 100% trustworthy of one another to discipline each others’ children.
It also helps that our disciplinary styles are nearly a 100% match!
My story: http://www.thepsychoexwife.com
~LM
Soul Sistah said,
January 10, 2008 at 3:37 pm
@choc – Your mother was very loving. My mother remarried but her husband was kind to me.
@Mister – My husband and I tried to discipline our own kids, although my husband was adamant that we should each discipline the kids like they were our own – which did not always go over well. I think it only alienated the step-children and caused friction between us as I was more liberal than my spouse.
Mister-M said,
January 11, 2008 at 7:03 am
Your experience (I would be willing to bet) is more the norm and mine the exception. Make no mistake, disagreements (fortunately over smaller discipline issues) happen with us, more often than not because one or the other of us wants to cut someone some slack… but overall, we’re blessed to be “on the same page.”
My psycho ex-wife and I – that’s where my mess always seems to be. She’s a classic “buy the kids love” and “discipline is something only dad has to do so I can be the good guy and he can be the bad guy.”
It’s also why we have behavioral issues with my kids and very, very rarely with hers. Of course, her children have two relatively normal, level-headed parents who focus on their children and not each other’s destruction… which is a huge advantage.
regina said,
January 16, 2008 at 6:53 pm
The stories of late have been very frightening, disturbing and very sad.
I am divorced and my kids range from 14-22, and they joke about it but they don’t want me to remarry! At this point I am not even considering it, though one day… who knows. But my kids come first!
rld752008 said,
June 6, 2008 at 8:04 pm
I have been married to my husband for almost four years, I have four children two teenage boys, and one girl 10 and 8 year old boy. My husband, has two smaller children, who live in another state ,being raised by their mother. So it is my opinion that he really does not have enough experience raising children. My oldest son one day starts being disrespectful to me, so my husband intervenes, and a big fight starts. I called the police, and everything had calmed down, until my husband decides to tell my son, while the cops where there, that, “if I see you around here again I will kill you”. They take him to jail for the threat, my son goes off to live with his bio father, my husbands spends a year fighting the case, and going back and forth to anger management. He blames me, (because he says he was defending me) he felt that I should have put my son out a long time ago, although he was only 15 at the time. My husband feels that I should have nothing to do with my son. I have been stressing how important it is to forgive, but he thinks my son will so him more harm. My relationship has continued with my son, but I have not let my husband know this, he asked me not to deal with him, at least until my son turned 18 and could be considered a man, and accountable for his actions. I know my son was wrong, but my husband has a big role in him acting out at all. Once we got married he was on that boy from sun up to sun down, giving him no free time, constantly making him write sentences about his behavior, making him stay in his room, he was just micro parenting. My husband is an ex military man, and wants everything his way. I don’t think I can handle much longer him hating my son, its bad enough he hates everyone else in my family. I just want to live in peace. For the most part we have good marriage, but I can’t get over him not even making the attempt to forgive my son and move on. I tell myself many times that I should have been left him long ago, that no real mother allows her husband to hate he son and stay. But then, I say my son was in the wrong, he should not have been disrespecting me, What if I give up my marriage just to be back in the same boat. Will I resent my son, when I am a single parent, lonely and struggling to make ends meet again? Or will I continue to stay married and in the back of my heart keep resenting my husband and never truly have a happy home?