I may not be, but I’m the one that’s here with you and your going to respect me and obey my rules or I’m going to discipline you like I was your Momma/Daddy.
OK…maybe you shouldn’t physically discipline your step-children but you definitely better put them in check before they run all over you. If they get away with saying this to you one time…they’ll say it whenever the mood strikes them and it only gets worse.
Also, when you put them in check, do it IN FRONT OF their biological parent/your spouse so the child knows your both on the same page and that you will not waffle just because their biological parent is present. One of the most important elements in a blended family is maintaining a united front in the presence of the children. If they see any weakness they will exploit it and have you and your spouse at odds.
Mister-M said,
February 9, 2008 at 9:43 pm
WOW! You know what? We’re lucky (my partner and I). I don’t think either of our respective 2 have ever uttered that phrase or variant thereof – ever in the 3-years since formal introductions.
Only one-time, my oldest once said something to me when I was outside playing games with all 4 children. We were away from the others and he said to me something so out of characteristic for him, despite his language being a bit advanced for his age. He said, “Dad, I want you to just play with me today. They’re not even your children.” Inside, I stifled a knee-jerk reaction because I absolutely knew he was parroting something that came from my psycho ex-wife. All the children are very good friends and playmates with one another (not surprising because from youngest to oldest, the separation is only a mere 3-years). There is simply no way he would have conceived of that phrase on his own.
She is just flat-out evil for planting such a seed in his head.
That said… your post above is spot-on. Maybe we were lucky because we’ve always referred to ourselves as “the bosses of the house” and when one or the other of us isn’t present but the mix of children is… they know that there is a “boss” in place. I’d like to pretend that they know it doesn’t matter who is the parent of which children – we’re still the “boss” of all of them.
~Mister-M
regina said,
February 11, 2008 at 8:42 pm
great post! Kids are very smart and when the see weakness or sense fear they will pounce!! The adults/parents definitely need to show a united front or the kids will surely exploit and play the adults against each other.
mommamichelle@gmail.com said,
February 12, 2008 at 3:45 pm
Hello All:
I have been checking this site out for awhile, but this is my first post. My fiance’ and I have 3 children. Both of us have one son each from our previous marriage and we have a 15 month old together. My two sons live with us full-time and his oldest who will be 4 in a couple of months comes to visit every two weeks. I am almost at my wits end. My stepson is very disrespectful of me, his father, and our home. He refuses to eat and speak for the most part when he is with us. His mother attributes this to him the 4 year old just not liking me. However, when either me or my fiance take him to the park or any other activity he won’t play. His mother is what I would describe to nicely a Hoodrat. She doesn’t work. Stays home all day. Has different men in and out of her house. And by all accounts according to her 10 year old son smoke weed for a good portion of the day. She had agreed to relinquish custody of my stepson to his father until she found out I was pregnant. Then she did a 180 and refused to let my stepson come over until my fiance went back to court to file for contempt. She then pulled my stepson out of daycare and he has been home with his mother going on 2 years now. My main concern is that this child is in need of therapy. He has speech, socialization, and learning delays. Not due to his capabilities to learn, but b/c he has no stimulation.
However, my more immediate concern is his general lack of respect. My fiance is very defensive about any “critisism” of his child and feels as though my stepson is going through a phase or he excuses his behavior by saying that he (the stepson) can’t do certain things b/c he is not used to doing them at home..i.e. saying please and thank you. I told him that it’s been 2 years of a consistent schedule and almost any child can grasps the basics. I am not asking him to do calculus. However, he has called me a name which I will not repeat, but the child cannot say his ABC’s or count to five. He constantly rolls his eyes when I speak to him and occasionally he rolls his eyes at his dad. We are still working on getting him to identify and point to his body parts. Long story short he is totally unprepared for kindergarten which he will start in about a year and a half.
My problem is that in this equation are two other children. At times I feel as though I am expected to be less of a mother to my own children b/c my stepson is having so many problems. I cannot in good conscience enter into a marriage where this is the case and my fiance chooses not to open his eyes regarding his son. We have started premarital counseling and this is a touchy subject. He seems to be torn between his loyalty toward his oldest child and wanting to save the family we have built together. I don’t think he has to make a choice, but he does need to crack down on a very disobedient child.
We have tried talking to his mother, but her hatred of me knows no bounds and I know this is a good part of the reason why my stepson behaves the way he does. But as a mother I couldn’t bear seeing my children in pain let alone falling so behind other children as far as development goes.
Thanks for letting me vent and I welcome any ideas or suggestions.
aj said,
February 12, 2008 at 4:48 pm
Hi MommaMichelle,
Sorry to hear about your ordeal. It’s sad that some mother’s hate other women more than they love their own children. Sounds like your fiance’ is going to have to work it out with the mother and get this child the help he needs if he has developmental issues.
As far as the disrespect, usually you can always tell when someone is bad-mouthing you (friends, exes, family) because the kids suddenly start treating you poorly. I know it’s hard but you’ll just have to DEMAND respect from the child – IN FRONT OF HIS FATHER. Whether he LIKES YOU or not is not the issue, he should be taught to respect adults. Surely his dad understands that when he gets to school he may not LIKE some of his teachers but he is still expected to treat them with respect.
It’s good to hear you are going to counseling, hopefully you all can come to some basic understanding about house rules that all the kids must abide by.
Also – make sure you don’t spend all of your time on the your stepson, it’s not fair to your other children. I used to allocate so much time a day to the problem child…then I tried to move on…lol (didn’t always work that way).
Michelle said,
February 13, 2008 at 10:37 am
Thanks AJ,
I just needed to vent yesterday. My fiance’ is coming around as far as my stepson’s discipline. I think he is feeling more powerless b/c every attempt he has made to work with the child’s mother has been futile. My fiance tried to arrange daycare for him, but she refused to go to the daycare to enroll the child. She then said in order for her to enroll him in daycare my fiance would have to pick him up every morning and drop him off at her house in the evening. He goes to school and works all day and she sits at home.
As far as the disrespect I have noticed that it’s more of a means to get my attention. I think my stepson is jealous of the quality of care I give to my children. For example, atleast once a day I try and read to my kids. When my stepson is there when I start reading he becomes agitated or starts rolling his eyes (which unnerves me to know end). I just send him downstairs with his father, but I don’t stop what I am doing.
In order to perserve my sanity, I have washed my hands off the situation so to speak. I keep my dealings with my step-son to a minimum which has driven my fiance crazy b/c now he has to deal with the attitude on his own. I think it has been good for both of them. I had to realize that it’s not fair to the other kids to deal with the problem child all of the time or make his behavior the focus of the majority of our “family time”. Last week I took my two boys to the local children’s museum and we had a ball. My stepson was so upset that he didn’t get to go (that’s what happens when you roll your eyes at me) and he ran to his dad, but he got the surprise of a lifetime when his dad said that he couldn’t go b/c he had been misbehaving and if he wanted to be treated like the other two children he needed to act like the other two children.
Like I said, my main concern is that my stepson is totally unprepared for school. He has major socialization problems, which is why I don’t take his dislike too personally. He seems to get very unnerved when he sees other mother’s being affectionate with their children. More bothering is that he makes himself fall asleep when he doesn’t want to do something. His dad was trying to work on his numbers with him and after 10 minutes my stepson just closed his eyes and refused to open them and then after another 10 minutes he went to sleep. Mind you he had just gotten up from a nap. It’s just so sad to watch what is happening with the child. I mean he is almost 4 and his mother still gives him a bottle. I have no legal say in the matter so I have to be a bystander.
I think I am done venting! Thanks for listening/reading.
Step Momma said,
February 14, 2008 at 5:58 pm
As crazy as this sounds…. In my humble opinion I think this kid needs to be guided a little more than disciplined. To a certain extent I agree w/ his dad.. he isn’t used to behaving, being obedient, or having consistent logical consequences for his mis-deeds.
Humor me and consider this story time is appreciated by your kids who are read to every day. They may even look forward to this special time with mommy…. Your step would prolly rather be playing video games are learning words to curse you out with.
Do you think he has ever been read too? Has he even had to sit still for an extended period of time? Oooh better yet do you think anyone has ever been involved with him in any activity for that long. Girl you are the first. Consider this your opportunity to set the standard for what he will expect at home. At some point I am confident that he will see the difference.
Quick Story to illustrate my point:
I remember my son had guests over. And after dinner I asked them what they would like for dessert. We had cup cakes, and fruit roll-ups available. One of the kids looked at the bowl of fruit on the table and said an orange. I said you can have something sweet after you made such a happy plate. He looked at me very seriously and said.. “Oranges are sweet”. My response was “You are absolutely right sweetie… let me peel it for you”
I chuckled to myself thinking my son would be sorely disappointed if I handed him a freshly peeled orange for dessert.
It depends on where you are coming from
So be patient – - Speak to him with kindness, caring love and try to understand where he is coming from.
Ask yourself… if that was your child mis-behaving would you just give up on him and send him downstairs to his daddy as easily.
Granted it may be hard to imagine your bio’s wilding out like that because they were “raised-right”. But surely even kids who are raised in the most structured and loving and read-to (smile) environments mis-behave.
One of hardest things to do as a step-parent is to love your step children like they were your own even though they may not love you back.
Believe me I know it’s hard. And it takes practice and prayer. Once I get the formula down right ima write a book and make millions. (lol)
I have 2 steps who came into my life in very much the same predicament your step is in.. but they were half grown and really not trying to hear nothing I was talking about…. Plus their mother was very much like the bio-mom that you have to contend with. Notice I said was…. She passed away as a result of an addiction. Which is bringing a whole ‘nother set of issues. (sigh)
Kudo’s to you both for making a commitment early in the situation to get counseling. Continue to be the best mom that you know how to be regardless of the situation at hand- – to all the kids. I pray for your success and Ima keep praying for my own
aj said,
February 14, 2008 at 6:37 pm
Welcome StepMomma – thanks for posting!
Michelle said,
February 16, 2008 at 10:47 am
Thanks Stepmomma! I realized early on that a big part of what is going on with my stepson is the fact that he has such two different “home” lives. One with complete chaos and one with structure and order. And to answer your question I would and have removed my children from an activity if they were being disruptive, but I would continue with the activity. I just don’t reward bad behavior with attention. I noticed that my stepson reacts adversly when he obeserves any mother/child activity. The problem he is having is that he is starving for his mother’s attention. The problems that he is having are larger than not being able to get along with me. He and his mother need counseling and until that happens my stepson will continue to suffer. The person that he has the strongest tie to in our household is his father. And with all of my sons I can love them and give them life skills and make give them the tools to make them well-rounded individuals, but I cannot make them men.
My stepson doesn’t have the best of home lives but he also doesn’t have the worst. Children’s personalities are pretty much set by the time they are 5 years old. My stepson was and I emphasis was starting to learn to use his bad behavior as a means of getting attention. Now that his father has completely taken over his care when he is with us my stepson is learning how to earn respect b/c losing his father’s attention is his worst fear. He, like all children, wants his father’s approval more than anything and my fiance’ doesn’t put up with his foolishness. So he is learning what behaviors are acceptable and which ones will not be tolerated.
Casper said,
November 23, 2008 at 8:27 pm
wow, as a sm myself i married my husband three years ago, and took on his teenage kids who at that time were 13 and 14, the first 6 months went well. then started down hill from there, i would ask his 14 son to pick up his socks, or take out the trash , just to be told to do it myself.that he didnt have to talk about a shock…….wow wait up here, i have three kids myself and have raised them to be respectful of me and any adult they come in contact with. so when this child yelled at me to do this i was taken aback,,,,,, i confornted my husband about his sons behavior , and he simply said he has been like that since he was two. what? in total shock i didnt know how to respond, so a few weeks later i gave my 14 yr old the choice to clean up his room or he cant go out for the night, needless to say i was yelled and , the doors were slammed shut , i had profanity used at me, and my husband over heard this and did absolutly nothing to stop it……… am i crazy here, or should he have stepped up and been the parent and tell his son he would not behave this way? so later that night i asked my husband if he would allow another male to speak to me that way? he naturally said no, “so i asked then why allow your son to speak to me in that way” he clearly stated that it was different when his son did that , excuse me how? am i missing something here? come now my step daughter is sneaking in guys and skipping shcool , and doing drugs, when i found the drugs i clearly told her that in no way under any terms are the drugs to be in my home, needless to say my 1 yr old granddaughter came walking out of her room last month with a bag of weed she had found, once again i tell my sd that it is unacceptable and that she was not allowed to bring drugs into my home, so she ran away, we found her a few weeks later just to learn she is now pregnant. his son is now 18, yes three years later and i am still haveing to tolerate his sons behaviors, as an adult now he feels that he can tell me to shut the “f” up and that i cant do anything about it, i told him to get out of my home and not to come back until he could be more respectful , his father went off the wall at me, telling me that i have no right to throw him out like this, that he wouldnt have a place to go. so i told my husband that he could leave too , and let his son live with him ,and that his daughter can do her drugs in his home, needless to say he sent his daughter back to texas to the guy who got her pregnant, and his 18yr old is still liveing at home with dad and not working, . am i wrong? am i over reacting?
aj said,
November 23, 2008 at 9:26 pm
Welcome Casper – From what you’ve stated I don’t think you have over reacted – your husband needs to take control of his son and you should DEMAND respect from your step-son. Since he’s been getting away with this foolishness for all this time – it will be difficult but not impossible to correct his behavior. He is now a grown man and if he can’t go by the rules of the house – it’s time for him to MAN UP and make it out there on his own – pure and simple. Once he figures out how tough it is in the real world – he will better appreciate being able to live within your household. Unfortunately I had to teach my bio-son this lesson and believe me it was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done – but he was NOT going to disrespect me in my own home.