December 27, 2008 at 11:30 pm (Basics, Step Family, Step Mother, blended family)
Tags: beating the odds, blended familiy, step familiy, thankful
Looks like I’d abandoned this blog but I’ve been getting comments lately so maybe I’m actually helping a few folks out there. It seems blended families and the issues involved are some things that are not really discussed in society. It’s as if society expects blended families to function like nuclear families and they simply do NOT.
Over the holidays all of our children (his, hers & ours) were together. We had a wonderful time hanging out, watching movies, visiting other relatives, etc. It’s a precious time when your entire family can come together and everyone is happy and healthy. I’m thankful for all three of my precious children and my husband. We have beat the odds – we’re still going strong after 18 years. I attribute our success to our faith, always TRYING to present a united front and talking openly about issues as they arise. It was not an easy tasks beleive me – but it can be done.
1 Comment
February 13, 2008 at 5:06 pm (Basics)
Tags: Advisor, Friends, Relationships
I picked my son up from school today and he was a little down – he learned that everyone is not your friend and cannot be trusted – a lesson we all have to learn at some point. I tried to cheer him up – but he surprised me when he told me “Oh mom, they were just leaves – they just died”. I was like – what do you mean? To my surprise he starts telling me that he learned that lesson from Madea – LOL. Here is the quote. It’s amazing the things that stick with us.
Some people come into your life for a lifetime and some come for a season. You have to know which is which. I put everybody that comes into my life in the category of a tree. Some people are leaves on a tree. The wind blows, they go to the left. The wind blows from the other way, they go to the right. They are just unstable. You can’t count on them for nothing. All they ever do is take from that tree. What you need to understand about a leaf is that it has a season. It’ll wither and die and blow away.There ain’t no need to be praying over a leaf to be resurrected. When it’s dead it’s gone. Let it go! Some people are like that. All the leaf ever does is cool you off every now and then. If you’re grown, you know what I’m talking about, because you can call them in the middle of the night and get cooled off. That’s the leaf people. They come to take.
Then there are people like a branch. You got to be careful with branch people. They come in all different shapes and sizes. You never know how strong they will be in your life. So my advice is to tip out on it slowly. When you’re going out on a limb, don’t put too much weight on it at once, because it can fall and leave you high and dry. Sometimes, you have to wait for a branch to grow up before it can hold all of the things you want to share with it.
Finally, there are people who are like roots at the bottom of the tree. If you find yourself two or three people in your entire lifetime that are like the roots, then you are blessed. The roots don’t care nothing about being seen. All they’re there to do is hold that tree up, to make sure it stays in the air. It comes from the earth to give that tree everything it needs. That’s what relationships should be about. That’s what you need, people who want to be in your life for the right reasons. If somebody wants to walk out of your life, you’ve got to LET THEM GO! When you learn to love yourself, you will end up giving standards to everyone around you. Again, I repeat with emphasis, if they don’t meet those standards, you have to let them go, because they might be a leaf. And forgive them with all your might. – Madea
3 Comments
February 8, 2008 at 6:55 pm (Basics, Step Parent, blended family, step parenting)
Tags: Discipline, Division, United Front
I may not be, but I’m the one that’s here with you and your going to respect me and obey my rules or I’m going to discipline you like I was your Momma/Daddy.
OK…maybe you shouldn’t physically discipline your step-children but you definitely better put them in check before they run all over you. If they get away with saying this to you one time…they’ll say it whenever the mood strikes them and it only gets worse.
Also, when you put them in check, do it IN FRONT OF their biological parent/your spouse so the child knows your both on the same page and that you will not waffle just because their biological parent is present. One of the most important elements in a blended family is maintaining a united front in the presence of the children. If they see any weakness they will exploit it and have you and your spouse at odds.
10 Comments
January 20, 2008 at 9:45 pm (Basics, Grown Kids, blended family)
Tags: Appreciation
My husband I celebrated our anniversary this weekend and went out of town to spend some alone time. To our surprise there was a bottle of wine and a floral arrangement sitting on the table in our hotel room.
When I read the card I realized it was from my step-daughter. It made me so proud that we’d raised her to be the thoughtful & generous young woman that she is. This gesture also confirms a certain appreciation she has for me. I mean, really how many STEP-CHILDREN would really celebrate the anniversary of their biological and step-parents marriage?
Just further verification that sometimes what you give comes back.
9 Comments
December 12, 2007 at 3:58 pm (Basics, Step Family, Step Parent)
Tags: Division, Support, United Front
I’ve found that one of the most important things parents can do in blended families is to always present a united front. If you show kids there are any cracks in your unity, they will exploit it and have you and your spouse at odds. You have to remember, kids do what they are allowed to do, only you can allow them to cause division.
My son knew this and played it well – lol. He would come to me with “concerns” about something my husband said to him and ask me what I thought – I’d direct him right back to his step-dad so they could work it out. I would often eavesdrop on the conversation – I still realized my husband was human and he was a step-parent so I trusted – but validated things (just keeping it real – lol) to ensure situations were handled fairly.
My son finally recognized that when he had issues with my husband, his best bet was to go directly to the source and stop trying to involve me. If I’d stepped in every time there was a disagreement it would have only created more drama.
5 Comments
December 3, 2007 at 7:27 pm (Basics, Small Things)
Tags: Biological Child, blended family, Quality Time
Looking back over my parenting, I recognize many things I could have better. One thing I could have improved upon was spending more one on one time with my son. I was sometimes so busy focusing on the relationship or lack there of with my step-daughter that I failed to spend as much quality time with my own son as I should have. I guess in my mind, I was thinking, my son and I already are tight…I need to focus on this other relationship. That was a big mistake. I suspect my actions only served to make my son feel that he was not as important to me as my new relationship. As a step-parent you must be many things to many people and you must also be an expert juggler.
Thankfully, my son and I are still tight (he’s 19) and we spend a significant amount of time together – just he and I and it’s like a little piece of heaven, until his cellphone rings and I’m forced to play the “This is My Time” card….lol.
2 Comments
November 28, 2007 at 4:49 pm (Basics, Small Things, Step Mother, Step mom)
Tags: Appreciation, Step Child, Step-Mothers, Working Together
I’ve been on all sides of the blended family scene, the step-parent, the step-child, the biological parent, etc. you name it, I’ve been it. I’ve been blessed by it in a way as I can help others to see the different sides of the table and appreciate for myself the difficulties each side represents.
When my son went to live temporarily with his bio-dad and step-mom, I was quite apprehensive and concerned that this woman would mistreat my son. I made it my busineess to be cordial to her and express appreciation for the little things she did for my son – even while he showed her his behind. I also called her on the things I thought were out-of-order. I’m saying this to say, give credit where it is due and when you need to put the step-parent in check, you will not be viewed as the angry bio-parent. Remember, it is in your child’s best interest to work WITH the other set of parents, not against them.
I even sent her a heartfelt Mother’s Day card, because after all, she was taking care of my baby in all of his angry teenage rebellion – I knew it was not an easy situation for her to deal with – I knew my son……
5 Comments
November 12, 2007 at 12:03 pm (Basics, Step Parent)
Tags: dynamics, Expectations, Love, Respect
Many time step-parents feel like failures if their step-child does not love them or if they themselves do not feel love for their step-child(ren). Well why is it that either is expected to love one another? This is an expectation that is unreasonable. When you marry a person with children you do not have to love the children but you must respect them and their relationship with their parent(s). You are under no obligation to love your step children no more than you are expected to feel instantaneous love for your in-laws or out-laws in some cases.
The reason we set this unrealistic expectation is because we are trying to mimic the structure and feel of a nuclear family – but blended families have a different dynamic than nuclear families. This expectation will kick you in the butt every time because you are comparing apples to oranges.
Stop feeling guility if you don’t lurrrve your step-children and stop feeling rejected if they don’t love you. If you can create a positive relationship with these children then you’ve accomplished what is necessary and healthy for your family and from there…….love will probably show it’s face sooner or later.
5 Comments
November 8, 2007 at 7:43 pm (Basics, Step Family, Step Mother)
Tags: loyalty, attitudes, trust, rejection, acceptance,
Life as a step-child is not easy. I was someones step-child and quite honestly, I didn’t care for my step-father although he did provide for me and was civil towards me. I cannot recall one single time when he was unkind. I just didn’t like him because he was a “Step-father”….it was that simple.
While raising my step-daughter I remember times when I would try desperately to take our relationship beyond the superficial and become close to her. Our relationship would progress along nicely then all of a sudden, she would pull back. It was almost like she caught herself or was somehow reminded that I was her step-mother…you know the evil one and she was not supposed to like me. I’d express to her that she did not have to choose between myself and her mother that she had the capacity to love both of us, but I suspect she wasn’t getting the same message from the other side.
I soon grew tired of the roller coaster and detached myself from her emotionally until the next time. What does detachment look like, it simply means I became a spectator in her life and her father was forced to do it all during those seasons. Was I right – probably not, but a person (even grown folk) can only take so much rejection while trying to love and care for another human being.
I am happy to report that my (now grown) step-daughter has since put down her shield some. We’re close in a odd kind of way and while I’m not completely happy with our relationship, I’m satisfied with where we are. We have a sort of aunt/niece relationship and I think it strikes just the right balance for us.
6 Comments
November 5, 2007 at 9:01 pm (Basics, Step Mother, Step Parent, Step mom)
Tags: Step Mother, Step Child, Biological Mother, Step Relatinships, Jealousy, Appropriate,
Well he/she may call you alot of things…I was referring to what they call you in your face..lol. My step daughter began calling me Mom immediately after we got married of her own free will. I think she was longing for a female role model and I was it because her bio-Mom had pretty much abandoned her when she was very young (4) – when bio-Mom left her husband she took her pet bird and left her child – can you say “selfish”. Anyway I was fine with it but once, the bio Mom heard her refer to me as Mom, she dayum near jerked the childs arm off and yell’d at her “She is not your mother”? Well I beg to differ. You see I was the one combing her hair, purchasing her clothes with MY OWN money, helping to ensure she did her homework, explaining menstral cycles, boys, etc. Where was her bio-mother – oh she was off living the high life, traveling the world, making CD’s, etc. while I raised her daughter who has BTW grown into a beautiful young woman.
These folk kill me saying who is a mother and who is not. Just because you give birth to a child does not make you a mother in the true sense of the word. Even the children know that.
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