December 27, 2008 at 11:30 pm (Basics, Step Family, Step Mother, blended family)
Tags: beating the odds, blended familiy, step familiy, thankful
Looks like I’d abandoned this blog but I’ve been getting comments lately so maybe I’m actually helping a few folks out there. It seems blended families and the issues involved are some things that are not really discussed in society. It’s as if society expects blended families to function like nuclear families and they simply do NOT.
Over the holidays all of our children (his, hers & ours) were together. We had a wonderful time hanging out, watching movies, visiting other relatives, etc. It’s a precious time when your entire family can come together and everyone is happy and healthy. I’m thankful for all three of my precious children and my husband. We have beat the odds – we’re still going strong after 18 years. I attribute our success to our faith, always TRYING to present a united front and talking openly about issues as they arise. It was not an easy tasks beleive me – but it can be done.
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December 12, 2007 at 3:58 pm (Basics, Step Family, Step Parent)
Tags: Division, Support, United Front
I’ve found that one of the most important things parents can do in blended families is to always present a united front. If you show kids there are any cracks in your unity, they will exploit it and have you and your spouse at odds. You have to remember, kids do what they are allowed to do, only you can allow them to cause division.
My son knew this and played it well – lol. He would come to me with “concerns” about something my husband said to him and ask me what I thought – I’d direct him right back to his step-dad so they could work it out. I would often eavesdrop on the conversation – I still realized my husband was human and he was a step-parent so I trusted – but validated things (just keeping it real – lol) to ensure situations were handled fairly.
My son finally recognized that when he had issues with my husband, his best bet was to go directly to the source and stop trying to involve me. If I’d stepped in every time there was a disagreement it would have only created more drama.
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November 26, 2007 at 8:35 pm (Silly Stuff, Step Family, blended family)
My step-daughter looks like I spit her out of my womb, seriously, folk have always looked at us and said “Your daughter looks just like you” and she and I would look at each other with our “look”….it was so funny. In contrast folk used to look at my youngest son (ours) and ask me who I was baby sitting for as he looks like a clone of his dad – I was just the incubator. Our middle son (mine) looks like my step-daughter and I guess it ties us all together in our mixed up, blended up family.
Over the holidays we were all at a football game and someone asked my husband if my son and his daughter were twins, he replied that they were not but they sure did look alike. I guess folks really start looking alike after being together for long periods of time.
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November 8, 2007 at 7:43 pm (Basics, Step Family, Step Mother)
Tags: loyalty, attitudes, trust, rejection, acceptance,
Life as a step-child is not easy. I was someones step-child and quite honestly, I didn’t care for my step-father although he did provide for me and was civil towards me. I cannot recall one single time when he was unkind. I just didn’t like him because he was a “Step-father”….it was that simple.
While raising my step-daughter I remember times when I would try desperately to take our relationship beyond the superficial and become close to her. Our relationship would progress along nicely then all of a sudden, she would pull back. It was almost like she caught herself or was somehow reminded that I was her step-mother…you know the evil one and she was not supposed to like me. I’d express to her that she did not have to choose between myself and her mother that she had the capacity to love both of us, but I suspect she wasn’t getting the same message from the other side.
I soon grew tired of the roller coaster and detached myself from her emotionally until the next time. What does detachment look like, it simply means I became a spectator in her life and her father was forced to do it all during those seasons. Was I right – probably not, but a person (even grown folk) can only take so much rejection while trying to love and care for another human being.
I am happy to report that my (now grown) step-daughter has since put down her shield some. We’re close in a odd kind of way and while I’m not completely happy with our relationship, I’m satisfied with where we are. We have a sort of aunt/niece relationship and I think it strikes just the right balance for us.
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November 6, 2007 at 12:14 pm (Absent Parents, Step Family)
Tags: Step Fathers, Abandoned Boys, Biological Fathers, Ex Husband, Manhood, Absent Father
I know I’m not alone when I say I’m simply amazed at how sorry some men can be when it comes to being responsible for their children. My sperm donor (ex-husband) lives in the same town with his child and doesn’t bother to call or contact his son. Mind you this child has had some serious issues in his life and is in desperate need of a loving male image and his father knows this – yet does nothing to address his sons needs.
Where are the real fathers – the ones who teach their children morals and values, who demand their sons work along side them to learn a skill, trade or simply how to fix small things around the house. Where are the men that taught their sons to not only respect but protect all of the females within the household and family? Where are the men that did not tolerate their sons involvement with drugs, guns and violence, but taught, peace, humility and hard work?
So many of our young males have been abandoned by their fathers that we have a generation of boys that don’t know what it is to be a real man. After all a woman cannot teach a boy to be a man – not that she can’t be a good mother, but boys need strong males in their lives to guide them into manhood.
Luckily my son is not involved in drugs, gangs or violence and he has a good work ethic, but the person that taught my son these things was not his biological father – it was his step-father who is in essence – his REAL father.
Unfortunately my child has yet to realize how blessed he is to have a step-father that spent time with him and guided him along the way. Did he make mistakes and go off track sometimes – yes, did I – yes. But the question is did he do right by my son 85% of time – yes, which is what counts in the end. We all have faults and no parent is perfect – even biological parents.
Sometime our children are desperately seeking what they already have – a parent that loves them.
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