February 8, 2008 at 6:55 pm (Basics, Step Parent, blended family, step parenting)
Tags: Discipline, Division, United Front
I may not be, but I’m the one that’s here with you and your going to respect me and obey my rules or I’m going to discipline you like I was your Momma/Daddy.
OK…maybe you shouldn’t physically discipline your step-children but you definitely better put them in check before they run all over you. If they get away with saying this to you one time…they’ll say it whenever the mood strikes them and it only gets worse.
Also, when you put them in check, do it IN FRONT OF their biological parent/your spouse so the child knows your both on the same page and that you will not waffle just because their biological parent is present. One of the most important elements in a blended family is maintaining a united front in the presence of the children. If they see any weakness they will exploit it and have you and your spouse at odds.
10 Comments
December 12, 2007 at 3:58 pm (Basics, Step Family, Step Parent)
Tags: Division, Support, United Front
I’ve found that one of the most important things parents can do in blended families is to always present a united front. If you show kids there are any cracks in your unity, they will exploit it and have you and your spouse at odds. You have to remember, kids do what they are allowed to do, only you can allow them to cause division.
My son knew this and played it well – lol. He would come to me with “concerns” about something my husband said to him and ask me what I thought – I’d direct him right back to his step-dad so they could work it out. I would often eavesdrop on the conversation – I still realized my husband was human and he was a step-parent so I trusted – but validated things (just keeping it real – lol) to ensure situations were handled fairly.
My son finally recognized that when he had issues with my husband, his best bet was to go directly to the source and stop trying to involve me. If I’d stepped in every time there was a disagreement it would have only created more drama.
5 Comments
November 12, 2007 at 12:03 pm (Basics, Step Parent)
Tags: dynamics, Expectations, Love, Respect
Many time step-parents feel like failures if their step-child does not love them or if they themselves do not feel love for their step-child(ren). Well why is it that either is expected to love one another? This is an expectation that is unreasonable. When you marry a person with children you do not have to love the children but you must respect them and their relationship with their parent(s). You are under no obligation to love your step children no more than you are expected to feel instantaneous love for your in-laws or out-laws in some cases.
The reason we set this unrealistic expectation is because we are trying to mimic the structure and feel of a nuclear family – but blended families have a different dynamic than nuclear families. This expectation will kick you in the butt every time because you are comparing apples to oranges.
Stop feeling guility if you don’t lurrrve your step-children and stop feeling rejected if they don’t love you. If you can create a positive relationship with these children then you’ve accomplished what is necessary and healthy for your family and from there…….love will probably show it’s face sooner or later.
5 Comments
November 5, 2007 at 9:01 pm (Basics, Step Mother, Step Parent, Step mom)
Tags: Step Mother, Step Child, Biological Mother, Step Relatinships, Jealousy, Appropriate,
Well he/she may call you alot of things…I was referring to what they call you in your face..lol. My step daughter began calling me Mom immediately after we got married of her own free will. I think she was longing for a female role model and I was it because her bio-Mom had pretty much abandoned her when she was very young (4) – when bio-Mom left her husband she took her pet bird and left her child – can you say “selfish”. Anyway I was fine with it but once, the bio Mom heard her refer to me as Mom, she dayum near jerked the childs arm off and yell’d at her “She is not your mother”? Well I beg to differ. You see I was the one combing her hair, purchasing her clothes with MY OWN money, helping to ensure she did her homework, explaining menstral cycles, boys, etc. Where was her bio-mother – oh she was off living the high life, traveling the world, making CD’s, etc. while I raised her daughter who has BTW grown into a beautiful young woman.
These folk kill me saying who is a mother and who is not. Just because you give birth to a child does not make you a mother in the true sense of the word. Even the children know that.
13 Comments
