I’ve been respectful and have let my husband take the lead. His leading has led us wayward because of his lack of boundaries. His daughter has been allowed to repeatedly disrespect me and little has been done. When he finally did take a little action, his daughter stated she doesn’t like me because I’m Black.

My husband has spent far too long attempting to figure out his ADULT CHILDREN’S behavior (of which, his daughter-the major culprit is married)! He has never taught them to honor him. They look at him as their support, their bank account and little more.

My husband says he gets it. He initially stated he’d work on things-which is why I married him and promised a united front. That hasn’t happened. Now he is unable to see how his disregard for me (even if its unintentional) is and has affected me and our relationship.

Now he’s really resentful toward me and will not let the past go. He accuses me of the very things he’s guilty of. WE’ve gone to counseling, yet he doesn’t apply the principles. He feels he does-yet there is little action and word coinciding.

Now he’s attacking my character and integrity because I’m deeply grieved and tired of dealing with the situation. He merely wants me to immediately forget and say nothing more-even if I don’t feel better.

My husband truly believes I’m the problem, that I want to be bitter and not let things go. He doesn’t connect with me emotionally-regarding the toll its taken and takes.

I keep insisting that the issue isn’t the Children, its our ability to mutually respect one another; that we both have to matter. That even if we disagree, what either of us express has to be respected-in action and words.

Dismissing me is no longer a viable option. It hurts too much.

Thanks for listening

If he won’t go to counseling then you could still benefit by going alone which can provide you with tools for dealing with the situation. Unfortunately men are sometimes reluctant to seek help – but if he values his marriage he needs to deal with this situation head on and do whatever he can to support you and your efforts to bond with his daughter – after all it would be to his daughters benefit as well.

I hope I’ve said something that can help you. I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers.

My situation is somewhat like Nikki’s for some reason little girls don’t want anyone but their mommies with their daddies. That natural affection bond is not there. Being imperfect we have that natural bond with our own children and we go into protective mode over them to. I am very guilty of this. I have never been able to form a bond with this child.
My husband seems to think there is no way to fix it and that our(his&mine) older children don’t care one way or the other.

He refuses to go to a family or even marriage counselor

I have asked for almost the entire time we where married for us to go to counseling and get counseling for his daughter to. Her mom just gave her and her brother to us 3 months after we where married. I don’t need to say anymore about the bio mom I can’t still understand her doing so.

But the united front is definetly important because all 4 of our children have taken advantage of this and put us at odds.

As for your behavior with the new woman – we all lose control of our emotions from time to time and regret it. Believe me – I was no saint – I also had some kodak moments. LOL. I think it would be appropriate to send her a note of apology for what you did and explain to your children that what you did was inappropriate. Whatever you do – never put your children in the position to be on the receiving end of another woman’s wrath. If they can’t take it out on you they will likely take it out on your children.

I know it’s difficult to see your children have a positive relationship with your ex’s new woman – but ALWAYS be cool in the presence of your children and all involved then go vent to a girlfriend or a blog. Our anger sometimes blinds us and causes us to embarrass ourselves….we must remain in control of our emotions at all cost – and it’s not always easy. But it’s not the end of the world.

As far as your ex – leave him out of it – go directly to the one you offended and as far as him calling you trash, etc. – don’t let it bother you – the best thing you can do is be a happy and whole woman with or without a man.

Ex husband and I have been separated 3 years. Our separation made allocation for a continued ‘friendship’ which I was keen to maintain for the sake of keeping the ‘family thing’ going for our 2 children aged 6 and 8. He often came over at his choosing and when he did we had dinner together and sometimes he slept over, and sometimes still – we even had sex. With hindsight I realise that allowing this sort of activity was totally WRONG and certainly confusing for the children. We often did ‘family’ trips and both of thinking it was keeping things ‘as together as possible’ for the kids, strived to allow for this involvement with each other.

Then recently he entered a new committed relationship. Obviously all of our previous ‘connections’ had to end and the ex who was my friend and who could walk into my bedroom and sit on my computer whilst I dressed for work because well, ‘he’d seen it all before’ so no big deal… suddenly treated me like a distant stranger. If I called him whilst he was with his new lady he would cut me off by asking “Everything OK with the kids?”, and all of the free involvement with each other came to a sudden halt – and with all due respect to the fact that he had a new relationship.

BUT for me it hit me so hard, it even shocked ME! I was well and truly over him (well thought I was) and I didn’t want the man I was previously married to, back in my life. He was now my friend and we were both very content with us being just that, yet as soon as he got into this relationship I felt the worst case of rejection I have ever experienced!! I observed his actions since meeting his new lady and noted how he’d made many positive changes for her that he had never done when with me. And this hurt me. Bad. He went very public with his new relationship very early on, introduced her to all of ‘our’ mutual friends, wore her off his arm with joy and pride and didn’t think twice about cruising in his car with her in MY neighbourhood! I tried to accept the change of ‘things’ and tried to continue the ‘family thing’ by inviting him over for dinner with the kids and myself, but the whole time he was with us his new partner kept constantly texting him about some thing they had planned for later that night. I know I had no right to feel anything about that…. but I did! I felt ‘robbed’ and in all honesty ‘cheated on’ – even though this was definitely not the case.

Note that this new relationship has only been in existence for the last 2 months.

Recently, I came into face to face contact with his new lady. This was our first face to face encounter and it was never planned. We bumped into ‘them’ unexpectedly. He gave me a broad grin and she was laughing and waving happily at my daughter who was waving happily back at them both. I tried to be composed but I felt a sudden dark wave of ‘confusion’ and ‘delirium’ come over me!! Suddenly, with them and the kids all happily greeting each other and everyone ignoring me – I felt so ‘excluded’ from what was once a picture I was a key part of. It was a brief feeling and for a very short time. I made the unthinkable mistake of looking at this woman very sternly and in absolute immaturity that I am totally ashamed of, I made a rude gesture at her with my finger and walked off.

I am so horrified at my behaviour. My ex called me that evening to inform me that I am a classless piece of trash and what I did has re-inforced his decision to never have anything to do with me again unless it is to do with our children. Fair enough. I probably would have felt the same way if the tables were turned.

What I’m MOST worried about is, am I a ‘psycho ex’ in the making??? Why do I feel so hurt and affected by my husband’s new relationship? I don’t want him back (I left HIM!) – well, I don’t want the man he WAS when we were together but over the last 3 years as ‘friends’ we have both matured and things between us were quite pleasant. Still, I have NO right to feel anything about his new relationship except that the new lady treats my children well, which she apparently DOES. I just don’t want to be that horrible creature causing chaos and destruction…..

I would like to apologise to my ex’s new lady for that rude and childish action – any suggestions as to how I can do this? Please note that we have not been introduced to each other yet so I cannot contact her directly. I was thinking of writing a ’sorry’ card to them both? Your comments??